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The Eternals (2021): Review by Grosse Point Geek

Plot In a Nutshell: 5000 years ago a group of immortal superbeings are sent to Earth in a spaceship with a mission to destroy a race of destructive alien creatures called The Deviants (sort of dinosaur looking things with big teeth). After their mission is complete, they stay and watch over the human race but vow never to interfere with the progress of mankind. Forward to present day and the Deviants have made a surprise return, now its up to the Eternals to regroup and do battle with them once again…..albeit as slowly as possible with lots of talking, pondering and nary a smidge of urgency.

What worked: Angelina Jolie and Kit Harrington and are quite good in their respective supporting roles and two mid credit scenes show some mildly interesting prospects for future new MCU characters.

What could have been better: In a word – pretty much everything. Indeed so annoyed was I at this godawful film that its taken me over two weeks to muster the strength to write this review.

Putting it mildly Eternals is the absolute worst film in the MCU franchise by a country mile and quite possibly the worst film of this year.  – which is saying something.

Staggeringly boring, interminably torpid, hideously overlong, filled with pretentious badly written dialogue, stilted acting and characters that are so forgettable, uninteresting and dull that im struggling to remember who they were and what purpose they served.

Now call me old fashioned but i was under the impression that superhero movies are supposed to fun, fast, filled with cool characters and cracking action scenes – you know, the kind of stuff we have been used to with the likes of The Avengers, Thor, Captain America, Iron Man etc etc – Eternals has not one iota of these qualities and as a result this stinker of a film should be confined the toilet where it so rightfully belongs. What on earth Kevin Feige and the Marvel Studios team were thinking when they greenlighted this humongous celluloid turd  is frankly beyond me.

Review Summary: Marvel takes a giant leap backwards and destroys all the goodwill built up thus far with what can only be described as a giant self-important cowpat of a movie  – only twice as boring to look at with a worse smell. All I can say is that the soon to be released Spiderman No Way Home and next year’s Thor Love and Thunder had better be something pretty bloody special or the MCU is going to have a fight on its hands to avoid becoming as moribund and worthless as the DC Expanded Universe used to be not three years ago when it reached the nadir of gold plated awfulness that was Joss Whedons Justice League- yes this film is that bad.

Stratospherically crap – take your children and your money and run away from this film as if the very hounds of  hell were after you.

3 out of 10 stars


 

Grosse Point Geek

The Austin Powers to Phil Hobden's Dr Evil, it's fair to say Will spends his life trying to convince Phil that Paul WS Anderson ISNT a bad filmmaker, that The Hobbit movies really are THAT good and, for the most part, Phil is wrong about most things. Which he is.

Oh and Will doesn't really use social. Ever.