Worst Film of The Decade (2010-19) : Transformers Age Of Extinction

Worst Film of The Decade (2010-19) : Transformers Age Of Extinction

Best & Worst Quick Review

Phil’s Quick Capsule Review:
Wow.  If you thought, like me, that Michael Bay and the Transformers franchise couldn’t get any worse that it’s dire third entry, think again.  Welcome to Transformers Age Of Extinction , a film that plunges new depths of shite.  The story? Well to be honest I have no idea.  It’s about things. And noise. And stuff.  None of which I cared about.

So… I guess you want to know just why is it so bad?  Well other than the obvious (it’s Michael Bay), TransNearFourHours is a film that manages to get almost every single thing it does wrong.   It’s a film where product placement (Victoria Secret, Bud Light etc, etc,etc) takes priority over, well, everything else , a film where Transformium (yes Transformium) manages to reduce the once very cool idea of Talking Robots in disguise to Midichlorian levels of dumb, a film where statuary rape justification and underage sex jokes are perfectly fine and a film where a near 3 hour run time (thats longer than Goodfellas for the record) seems to exist just to fit in more shots of near underage girls in short shorts, Marky Mark saying “Whoa”… a lot or visual artists spunking CGI on the screen. In years to come THIS will be what interrogation experts use to break terrorists.

It’s destruction porn once again as director (nay movie pornographer) Michael Bay delivers his raison d’être to seemingly both visually and audibly rape you for near 3 hours with a that film leaches from one boring CGI action scene to, well, another boring CGI action scene, where you can see so little because of its over editing and where so much is thrown at you, you end up becoming so numb that tooth extraction or minor surgery could well be done without any addition form of additional anaesthetic.  Yup, what you end up with (other than a headache, a numb arse, a near £15 hole in your wallet if you were mad enough to pay to see this and the sense of loosing 3 hours of your life you will never reclaim) is probably the worst film of 2014.  Yup worse than Legend Of Hercules AND Need for Speed.  Put together.

In fact we could have our No1 contender for worst film of the decade.

Is it all bad?  No.  Few things are.  For example it lacks the casual and quite disturbing racism of part 2 (or was it part 3?  Or do I even care?), neither Rosie Huntington-Pouty or Megan Fox’s sulky face turn up and in my book any film that doesn’t feature Shia LaDouche instantly makes it a step up on any film that does.  But that’s where the good news ends… with its shoddy performances, a script with first draft level dialogue and a story that manages to fuck up the coolest Transformer ever created (Yes Grimlock, not that he’s even named in the film or even gets to speak), all you end up with is $200+ million dollars of the most inept filmmaking ever seen on the big screen.  And considering Bay’s track record that’s quite some achievement.

Boring. Forgettable. Stupid. If it managed to be just one of those it would be ten times better.  No what we get is loud, amoeba smart and such a horrible experience that it will haunt me every time I shut my eyes.

Yet it’s made hundreds upon hundreds of millions of dollars in box office receipts and has a fifth film already green lit (thankfully one Bay has said he WONT direct) … so, hey, what the hell do I know.  Maybe I just don’t get it.  Because, hell, enough people seem to.  Personally I like to think it was something else however…  something akin to a road crash where, despite the fact you know you shouldn’t, you go look anyway.    Yes that will be it.  Because near $1 billion of box office would otherwise mean the world is full of people so dumb that, we as a species, truly are screwed.

Transformium.  For fuck sake.

Best Bit: Prime riding Grimlock is pretty cool.  But it was also in the trailer so just watch that instead.

Buy, Stream, Avoid: I downloaded a Chinese subtitled version.  Even then I felt ripped off.

If You Liked this Try  Battleship.  Or Transformers 3.  You’ll love them.  For everyone else… watch ANYTHING else.  Literally ANYTHING.

 

 


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Worst Film of 2014: Transformers Age Of Extinction

Worst Film of 2014: Transformers Age Of Extinction

Best & Worst Quick Review

Phil’s Quick Capsule Review:
Wow.  If you thought, like me, that Michael Bay and the Transformers franchise couldn’t get any worse that it’s dire third entry, think again.  Welcome to Transformers Age Of Extinction , a film that plunges new depths of shite.

The story? Well to be honest I have no idea.  It’s about things. And noise. And stuff.  None of which I cared about.

So… I guess you want to know just why is it so bad?  Well other than the obvious (it’s Michael Bay), TransNearFourHours is a film that manages to get almost every single thing it does wrong.   It’s a film where product placement (Victoria Secret, Bud Light etc, etc,etc) takes priority over, well, everything else , a film where Transformium (yes Transformium) manages to reduce the once very cool idea of Talking Robots in disguise to Midichlorian levels of dumb, a film where statuary rape justification and underage sex jokes are perfectly fine and a film where a near 3 hour run time (thats longer than Goodfellas for the record) seems to exist just to fit in more shots of near underage girls in short shorts, Marky Mark saying “Whoa”… a lot or visual artists spunking CGI on the screen. In years to come THIS will be what interrogation experts use to break terrorists.

It’s destruction porn once again as director (nay movie pornographer) Michael Bay delivers his raison d’être to seemingly both visually and audibly rape you for near 3 hours with a that film leaches from one boring CGI action scene to, well, another boring CGI action scene, where you can see so little because of its over editing and where so much is thrown at you, you end up becoming so numb that tooth extraction or minor surgery could well be done without any addition form of additional anaesthetic.  Yup, what you end up with (other than a headache, a numb arse, a near £15 hole in your wallet if you were mad enough to pay to see this and the sense of loosing 3 hours of your life you will never reclaim) is probably the worst film of 2014.  Yup worse than Legend Of Hercules AND Need for Speed.  Put together.

In fact we could have our No1 contender for worst film of the decade.

Is it all bad?  No.  Few things are.  For example it lacks the casual and quite disturbing racism of part 2 (or was it part 3?  Or do I even care?), neither Rosie Huntington-Pouty or Megan Fox’s sulky face turn up and in my book any film that doesn’t feature Shia LaDouche instantly makes it a step up on any film that does.  But that’s where the good news ends… with its shoddy performances, a script with first draft level dialogue and a story that manages to fuck up the coolest Transformer ever created (Yes Grimlock, not that he’s even named in the film or even gets to speak), all you end up with is $200+ million dollars of the most inept filmmaking ever seen on the big screen.  And considering Bay’s track record that’s quite some achievement.

Boring. Forgettable. Stupid. If it managed to be just one of those it would be ten times better.  No what we get is loud, amoeba smart and such a horrible experience that it will haunt me every time I shut my eyes.

Yet it’s made hundreds upon hundreds of millions of dollars in box office receipts and has a fifth film already green lit (thankfully one Bay has said he WONT direct) … so, hey, what the hell do I know.  Maybe I just don’t get it.  Because, hell, enough people seem to.  Personally I like to think it was something else however…  something akin to a road crash where, despite the fact you know you shouldn’t, you go look anyway.    Yes that will be it.  Because near $1 billion of box office would otherwise mean the world is full of people so dumb that, we as a species, truly are screwed.

Transformium.  For fuck sake.

Best Bit: Prime riding Grimlock is pretty cool.  But it was also in the trailer so just watch that instead.

Buy, Rent, Stream, Borrow: I downloaded a Chinese subtitled version.  Even then I felt ripped off.

If You Liked this Try Battleship.  Or Transformers 3.  You’ll love them.  For everyone else… watch ANYTHING else.  Literally ANYTHING.

 

Author: Phil Hobden

Blog: All Things Film – Andrew Mackay’s Best & Worst Films 2014

Blog: All Things Film – Andrew Mackay’s Best & Worst Films 2014

Quick Review

2014 has been truly hit-and-miss. I could well have copied this paragraph from last year with a quick find-and-replace. But just as we were marching into the middle of the decade thinking “Oh Christ, here we go – more Michael Bay, more Ice Cube, more nah nah nah…” along come at least two films that really did make me rethink my stance on the movie industry today (See my #1 and ‘3 on the best list). It’s not been a terrible year for movies. It’s been very good, on the whole – and I sincerely hope 2015 can fill these big boots!

WORST

5: The Came Together

Paul Rudd and Amy Poehler prove that former SNL players continue to suck at satire, as They Came Together aim for all the right targets and continually miss them. It’s akin to watching a small child with learning difficulties throw balls at a coconut shy, and standing back and feigning a smile at how well they had done – despite throwing the ball 180 degrees in the opposite direction and accidentally scoring an own goal. An insufferable, turgid and most unfunny piece of rancid shite.

4: Tammy

Sticking with the learning difficulty angle, Melissa McCarthy turned up as Tammy; an overweight, unpleasant and charmless oaf who manages to drag Susan Sarandon under her tyres for one of the year’s cosmic laugh-free zones. There’s nothing funny about someone who’s clearly one of society’s beat-upon plumpsters having the piss taken out of her for nearly 100 minutes. It’s soul-crushingly hateful stuff, and not in a good way, either.

3: The Angriest Man in Brooklyn

Angriest man? I can see the poor sod who played him spinning in his grave. It’s a well known fact that Robin Williams took on roles simply to pay the rent. I guess one could argue that Williams’ response mid way through the year was perhaps a bit harsh, but if I’d viewed my performance in The Angriest Man in Brooklyn, then I’d empathise to a point. The bleedin’ obvious aside, this movie stinks to high heaven anyway – and it’s nothing to do with Robin Williams (it’s merely a shame) and/or Mila Kunis (again, merely a blip). It’s shittingly bad and, once again, less funnier than Cold in July.

2: Zombeavers

It’s no coincidence that the bottom five of 2014 are mostly all comedies, is it? Comedy is hard to get right. Comedy and horror, even more so. The beavers look like puppets, and the characters have about as much depth as puppets, too. I know, I know – that’s sort of the point. And yes, I am a Troma fan. Zombeavers sits awkwardly in a sort of dole office of being too good to be bad, and too bad to be anything other than second in my top ten worst list for 2014. They couldn’t even get the “hot jock” boyfriends hot-o-meter correct. I suppose there’s no saving grace about Zombeavers; if guys these fugly can get chicks those cute – well, maybe there’s hope for us all.

1: Tusk

Fuck Kevin Smith.

[divider]

BEST

5: Wolf of Wall Street

Originally getting a 7 out of 10 in my review from January, I did make the prediction that Wolf could be a stayer and rank among Scorsese’s best. It’s now nearly one year later, and I think I was right. I was right, also, to award it a seven; it’s not a perfect movie by any stretch; but what it is, though, is a shit-load of fun and as absorbing a story as the characters are impervious to humanity. A thoroughly loathsome bunch of feral, money-hunting wankers that would put The Riot Club to shame. As far as overindulgence and excess goes, we will all use Wolf of Wall Street as the barometer; both for the characters and storyline, and for Scorsese’s “have it all and eat it, too” barbarism.

4: Dallas Buyers Club

For a long, long stretch was sitting at my number one spot in the top ten until, of course, those films in my top three came about. An award-winning performance from Matthew McConaughey and Jared Leto (the latter being performance of the year, probably) and about a story that would help shape our attitude toward the AIDS epidemic. An absolutely wonderful film, rich in detail and disciplined in narrative and length, it is truly one of the best dramas in recent memory.

3: The Babadook

Jennifer Kent writes and directs her way in to what I had long since regarded as a genre that is impossible to win me over; horror. Seriously, after so much watered-down PG-13 ghost/doll/clanking doorway shite, I’d pretty much all but abandoned this pithy, lifeless genre. I suppose it’s no surprise to learn that if anyone was going to buck the trend it’d be an independent Aussie filmmaker. But there you go. Fundamentally, The Babadook is a semi-realistic drama about a woman who grows evermore scared of her weird son. The fact that it has a bad guy and some whacked-out, truly innovative elements in the third act all contribute to one of the best – and most unsettling – surprises of the year. The Babadook never puts a foot wrong, and manages to do so with the minimum of fuss. I love The Babadook.

2: John Wick

Is Keanu Reeves back? YEAH. I’m thinking he’s back. Well stone me if John Wick isn’t the baddest-est ass, action-packed, violent, kill-happy revenge thriller of the year. Perhaps even the decade. It’s the usual sort of stuff, but directed and played with such freneticism that you simply have to drop to your knees and worship at the Wick alter. Even if you’re not a fan of action, you’ll love this movie. I can’t wait to see it again – and it’s unlike me to espouse the awesomeness of a silly action film. So I’m just as shocked as you. Check out the soundtrack, too. It’s terrific.

1: Life Itself

Roger Ebert has played a huge part in my life as both a film critic and film maker. I often step back and think “what would Roger Ebert award my movie, out of four stars?”. Life Itself is the equivalent (for me) of a film maker making a documentary about someone you personally admire and love. In a sense, it feels as if the documentary was made for you. I’ve never cried at a film – ever – in my entire life; that’s still true today, but God damn it if Steve James’ masterful documentary Life Itself did not come close. It’s a film about life as Roger Ebert expertly and humorously clings on to his own; a film about love, as his wife Chaz makes his twilight months comfortable and keeps up a brave face, even past the inevitable – and then, it’s a film about friendship, as we delve in to his hate/love relationship with Gene Siskel, who died fifteen years earlier. Ebert awarded director Steve James’ Hoop Dreams (1994) the accolade of Best Film of the 1990s. He remarked that real-life throws plot points at you that you could never see coming, and that a truly gifted documentarian would seize on any opportunity that came their way. Siskel dying alone and unannounced really affected Ebert (one of the handful of facts I did not know till seeing Life Itself) and seeing Ebert doing precisely the opposite seals the friendship and, by virtue, the love(s) of his life.   In so many ways Life Itself is the best film of the millennium, and a more-than-fitting closing chapter in the life of a man I so admired.

 

Author: Andrew Mackay

Blog: Grosse Point Geek – 2014 Roundup Best & Worst Of The Year!

Blog: Grosse Point Geek – 2014 Roundup Best & Worst Of The Year!

A Blog Grosse Point Geek Uncategorized

As the year comes to a close, it has to be said that on reflection, 2014 has been pretty damn good for films. The summer blockbuster season produced one of the best sequels for ages in Dawn of The Planet of The Apes, we bade a fond farewell to Middle Earth with the release of the final Hobbit film and Marvel managed to do it again with the one two punch of both Captain America: The Winter Soldier and Guardians of The Galaxy. There was also the continued rise of some really exciting actors, specifically Richard Armitage (The Hobbit and Into the Storm) Benedict Cumberbatch (The Imitation Game) and Matthew McConaughey (just about everything).

It wasn’t all plain sailing though – Michael Bay managed to take a stinking robot sized dump on us all with the appalling Transformers: Age Of Extinction, Renny Harlin proved that Die Hard 2 and Cliff-hanger were but distant memories by giving us the risible Legend Of Hercules, and shockwaves went round Hollywood with the untimely deaths of both Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Robin Williams – both wonderful, talented actors who will be sorely missed.

So to business – now remember the following is only my opinion and doubtless a certain person (no names mentioned Hobden) will be in dire disagreement with me on most of it.

Read On.

 

[divider]

2014’s Top Ten Best Films (in no particular order):

  • The Wolf Of Wall Street – one of the most entertaining, profane and downright hilarious films since Pulp Fiction.
  • The Dallas Buyers Club – managed to be both heart-breaking and very funny with a brilliant academy award winning turn from Mathew McConaughey
  • Dawn Of The Planet of The Apes -really well made with amazing SFX, Andy Serkis’ astounding motion capture performance as lead ape Cesar and some exciting top notch action.
  • Captain America The Winter Soldier -incredibly entertaining and refreshingly different.
  • Guardians Of The Galaxy – utterly mental but so much good fun – damn clever too.
  • The Imitation Game – cracking film – If Cumberbatch doesn’t win an Oscar for this there’s simply no justice.
  • Fury -highly realistic, relentlessly exciting, and superbly acted – will stand the test of time as one of the best war movies ever made.
  • Interstellar -mind bending sci fi, outstanding SFX, great direction from Nolan and yet another amazing performance from McConaughey.
  • Gone Girl -great date movie, Ben Affleck and Rosamund Pike were fantastic in the lead roles, and there was the usual rock solid direction from David Fincher. A must see.
  • The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies – certainly flawed and not as good as Return of The King, but still a cracking good movie, full to the brim with director Peter Jackson’s boundless imagination, epic battles and great acting (especially Richard Armitage as Thorin).

 

The Top Ten Honourable mentions

  • The Expendables 3 – daft as a brush, but absolutely huge fun, jam packed with fisticuffs, explosions and gunfights – plus Mel Gibson was a revelation as the villain.
  • Godzilla – Would have easily made the top ten best list if it hadn’t been for some very limp human characters and the criminal underuse of Brian Cranston. However it was exceptionally well directed by Blighty’s own Gareth Edwards and featured SFX and monster action that was frankly gobsmacking.
  • Maleficent – surprisingly lovely film, with real hidden depths and a wonderful performance from Angelina Jolie.
  • Pompeii – great action, good use of 3d that actually benefitted proceedings and a deliciously OTT Kiefer Sutherland as the chief Roman baddie.
  • Hercules – preposterous in just about every way you can think, but a rollicking good ride, featuring some top battles and good show from Dwayne Johnson.
  • Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit – Another fun film – Phil hated this, but I just couldn’t help liking it – hopefully there will be more.
  • 300: Rise Of An Empire – ridiculous prequel/equal/sequel to Zach Snyder’s 2006 original. Nary a shot was without a rippling torso, severed limb or a lot of shouting, and Gerard Butler was sorely missed – but despite this it managed to be extremely entertaining.
  • The Raid 2 – Another one that would have made the top ten best list – not quite as good as the first entry, a bit talky and at least 20 minutes too long, but the presence of the indestructible Iko Uwais, Gareth Evans sure handed direction and some bone crunching fight scenes made for a absolute corker of a film.
  • Lone Survivor – Peter Berg atones for Battleship, with the true story of four Special Forces commandos trapped behind enemy lines in Afghanistan. Featuring brutal action, a welcome absence of jingoistic American flag waving and some great acting – especially from Mark Wahlberg and Taylor Kitsch.
  • Edge Of Tomorrow – Basically Groundhog Day meets Aliens –but Cruise gets his best role for a long time, plus it was really well written, and all the set pieces were excellent.

 

[divider]

The 4 Most Overrated of 2014

  • X-Men: Days Of Future Past – With Bryan Singer back directing, I expected to be blown away by this one – but instead of a welcome return to the awesomeness of X2 and X-Men 1st Class, what we got was at times a very entertaining film, that sadly let itself down all too often by miring the audience in overly talky dialogue and overblown exposition. Not only that but the ending made no sense at all.
  • 22 Jump Street : The first one was well written and funny, this admittedly was good in places – especially when Ice Cube was on the screen – but was I the only one who thought it was just a rehash of the original film?
  • Lucy – On release this was a massive box office hit – however I am still trying to fathom out as to why. Ok Scarlett Johansson was pretty good in the title role, but the story was basically a rip off of Limitless and by the end got so preposterous that it stretched even my usual levels of tolerance.
  • Snowpiercer – Despite having a good first 40 minutes plus a great title, cast and setting – this one turned out to be a right let down. Mainly due to the fact that what should have been a slam bang post apocalyptic actioner ,turned out to be a rather boring arty farty oddity that had woefully disappeared up its own orifice by the time the credits had rolled.

 

[divider]

The Top Five Worst of 2014

  1. Transformers: Age of Extinction – There are not enough words in the English language to describe the utter unmitigated hatred I have for this steaming pile of celluloid ordure. There is just no excuse for a summer blockbuster about Robots fighting each other to be nearly 3 hours long, deathly dull, mind numbingly boring, badly written and offensive. Without doubt the worst film of 2014 and quite possibly of the last 10 years too. Shameful.
  1. The Legend Of Hercules – Laughably pants, with a balsa wood infused “performance” from Kellan Lutz, crap fights; terrible direction from Renny Harlin and editing that appears to have been done with a blunt machete. Avoid like the plague.
  1. Non Stop – how on earth an action movie starring Liam Neeson of all people can be this bad is beyond me. Dire.
  1. 3 Days To Kill – Despite a spirited central performance from Kevin Costner , this meandering Taken wannabe failed miserably on every level to be even remotely engaging and provided more evidence (if any was needed) that McG is one of the most inept directors working today.
  1. The Amazing Spiderman 2 – Overly bloated sequel with an oddly dislikeable performance from Andrew Garfield as Spidey, Jamie Foxx’s awful pantomime villain, zero story and dull action scenes – which all in all made for one of poorest superhero movies for a very long time.


Next Time: My Preview of 2015

 
Author: Will Strong 

 

Blog: Sex Tape – A Quick Capsule Review

Blog: Sex Tape – A Quick Capsule Review

Quick Review

Phil’s Quick Capsule Review:
Do you like extended advert for Apple products?  Do you like really unfunny films? Do you like being REALLY bored for over and hour and a half?  If the answer to all these questions are YES then I’d invite you to watch Sex tape.  If not… I implore you to avoid this unfunny pile of crap.

Best Bit: I just can’t find one.

Buy, Rent, Stream, Borrow: Burn

If You Liked this Try: The Other Woman, Bridesmaids, Walk Of Shame

 

Author: Phil Hobden

Phil’s Best & Worst of 2014… So Far! (Updated: 13th Nov 2014)

Quick Review

Best Films of 2014… So Far.

So this is my semi-regularly updated of the BEST and WORST of 2014’s movies. This is the LAST update before the end of the year show! 

 

Best Films Of 2014… So Far:

1. Wolf Of Wall Street (9/10)
2. Life Itself (9/10)
3. The Babadook (9/10)
4. The Guardians Of The Galaxy (8/10)
5. Interstellar (8/10)

Honourable Mentions:  Dallas Buyers Club (8/10); Dawn Of The Planet of The Apes (8/10). Starred Up (8/10); Captain America Winter Solider (8/10); Cheap Thrills (8/10); Crystal Lake Memories (8/10); Muppets Most Wanted (8/10); The Book Of Life (7/10); The Inbetweeners 2 (7/10); The Rover (7/10); Edge Of Tomorrow (7/10); Frank (7/10); Blue Ruin (7/10); Expendables 3 (7/10); Godzilla (7/10)


Worst Films Of 2014… So Far:

1. Transformers: Age Of Extinction (1/10)
2. The Other Woman (2/10)
3. The Legend Of Hercules (2/10)
4. Need For Speed (3/10)
5. Revenge Of The Green Dragons (3/10)

Dis-Honourable Mentions:  300 Rise Of An Empire (3/10); Under The Skin (3/10); Noah (3/10); Into The Storm (4/10); The Dead 2 (4/10); Willow Creek (4/10); The Zero Theorem (4/10); American Hustle (4/10); Transcendence (4/10); The Devils Knot (4/10)

 

 The Sharknado Award for Films So Good They Cant Be Rated:

Sharknado 2

 

Surprise of The Year
Teenage Mutant ninja Turtles (6/10).  It didn’t suck as was actually really good
The Babadook (9/10) – Lived up to the hype.

 

Great Films of 2013 I didn’t see in 2013

Honourable Mentions: Mud (8/10), The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty (8/10), About Time (8/10), The Place Beyond The Pines (8/10); Sunshine On Leith (8/10), Saving Mr Banks (7/10), King Of Summer (6/10)

Blog: All Things Film – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Reviewed

Blog: All Things Film – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Reviewed

All Things Film Blog Other Cr*p Uncategorized

In this next universe that perfectly mimics the planet Earth as we know it, there exists some of the usual foibles of contemporary media mayhem; dolled-up, pretty model-looking news reporters sport yellow jackets and glossy lipstick. Their cameraman are chiselled hunks, and their bosses are overweight and over nauseating. It seems in whichever parallel universe we visit, the stereotypical tropes remain the same. The same, that is, until we peer beneath the sewer and find that contrivance after contrivance means eventually that the laws of science and physics start to break.

And then of course, there’s the perversion of science, to boot. Or in the case, “foot”. A radioactive leak over a period of fifteen years has caused four lab turtles underground with nary a nod to the outside world. They are led by a rat named Splinter. And the Japanese are coming to destroy them.
I dunno about you, but when films deal with people in isolation (Bad Boy Bubby and the cute and raucous comedy Blast From the Past spring to mind) it seems to make sense that the prisoner condemned to a life of novel solitude probably wouldn’t be entirely availed to the lingo of modern western culture. Does this apply to sewer mutants? Where did they get their ninja abilities from? Perhaps the previous mutated incarnation of sewer rats who scribed the instructions on the soot- riddled walls below.
And don’t get me started on how they know about famous artists of the 16th century.

See, like you (most probably), I loved the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles, as they were known in the UK – the word ninja inexorably (perhaps boringly so) taken away from us in case we started bopping ourselves to death with them as youngsters. The cartoon was great. Even the stupid plastic movies were fun – to a point. Then, I guess we grew up. These 2014 turtles did not. They grew Jackie Chan-esque and abandoned “Cowabunga!” and the like for more ebonic flavours. Michael Bay’s production company Platinum Dunes produces this overblown epileptic frenzy to within an inch of its 3D specs, leaving behind a sore, incoherent melee of under lit tedium. Maybe that’s director Jonathan Liebesman’s fault.

And then there’s Megan Fox back on the payroll playing April O’Neil – and would it offend you ever-so deeply to inform you that she’s the best thing in the movie? She’s the back-up plan to Courtney Coz from the Scream movies, but she’s not half bad. The material she’s working with is oh-so gut-punchingly sentimental – with an emphasis on the word mental – that it’s hard to keep your sphincter from prolapsing with remorse. An early scene with her cameraman (played by Will Arnett) has hear listen to him describe her work, till she captures the turtles story, as “the froth part of a cup of coffee”. She nods and smiles. Neither of them realise it also applies to the movie they’re currently standing in.

And then, there’s the Japanese foot clan, led by Shredder. Yeah, he’s bad ass. Of course he is – he’s a ninja master ensconced in metally sharp bits. He growls and talks as if he’s narrating a Turtles movie. But, here’s a question the mid-thirties Andrew starts thinking – these bad dudes are called “The Foot Clan”; a name, we’re told in the opening sequence, that has been assigned to them because they literally “walk all over society, degrading it”.

And so, I leave you with this final thought. If you and your buddies were deliberately eviscerating a city with terrorism and narcissistic mayhem – would you assign yourself a group name before you began, or after? And if you assigned it after you started, would you adopt the media’s name they cooked up for you? Of course not. The turtles weren’t even this stupid. Imagine if the movie was actually about the clan; it’d be called “Middled-aged, Pissed-off, Japanese Ass Stabbers”.

Why couldn’t we have had that film, instead?

Author: Andrew Mackay

Blog: Film Transformers Age Of Extinction – A (Not So) Quick Capsule Review

Blog: Film Transformers Age Of Extinction – A (Not So) Quick Capsule Review

Quick Review

Phil’s Quick Capsule Review:
Wow.  If you thought, like me, that Michael Bay and the Transformers franchise couldn’t get any worse that it’s dire third entry, think again.  Welcome to Transformers Age Of Extinction , a film that plunges new depths of shite.

The story? Well to be honest I have no idea.  It’s about things. And noise. And stuff.  None of which I cared about.

So… I guess you want to know just why is it so bad?  Well other than the obvious (it’s Michael Bay), TransNearFourHours is a film that manages to get almost every single thing it does wrong.   It’s a film where product placement (Victoria Secret, Bud Light etc, etc,etc) takes priority over, well, everything else , a film where Transformium (yes Transformium) manages to reduce the once very cool idea of Talking Robots in disguise to Midichlorian levels of dumb, a film where statuary rape justification and underage sex jokes are perfectly fine and a film where a near 3 hour run time (thats longer than Goodfellas for the record) seems to exist just to fit in more shots of near underage girls in short shorts, Marky Mark saying “Whoa”… a lot or visual artists spunking CGI on the screen. In years to come THIS will be what interrogation experts use to break terrorists.

It’s destruction porn once again as director (nay movie pornographer) Michael Bay delivers his raison d’être to seemingly both visually and audibly rape you for near 3 hours with a that film leaches from one boring CGI action scene to, well, another boring CGI action scene, where you can see so little because of its over editing and where so much is thrown at you, you end up becoming so numb that tooth extraction or minor surgery could well be done without any addition form of additional anaesthetic.  Yup, what you end up with (other than a headache, a numb arse, a near £15 hole in your wallet if you were mad enough to pay to see this and the sense of loosing 3 hours of your life you will never reclaim) is probably the worst film of 2014.  Yup worse than Legend Of Hercules AND Need for Speed.  Put together.

In fact we could have our No1 contender for worst film of the decade.

Is it all bad?  No.  Few things are.  For example it lacks the casual and quite disturbing racism of part 2 (or was it part 3?  Or do I even care?), neither Rosie Huntington-Pouty or Megan Fox’s sulky face turn up and in my book any film that doesn’t feature Shia LaDouche instantly makes it a step up on any film that does.  But that’s where the good news ends… with its shoddy performances, a script with first draft level dialogue and a story that manages to fuck up the coolest Transformer ever created (Yes Grimlock, not that he’s even named in the film or even gets to speak), all you end up with is $200+ million dollars of the most inept filmmaking ever seen on the big screen.  And considering Bay’s track record that’s quite some achievement.

Boring. Forgettable. Stupid. If it managed to be just one of those it would be ten times better.  No what we get is loud, amoeba smart and such a horrible experience that it will haunt me every time I shut my eyes.

Yet it’s made hundreds upon hundreds of millions of dollars in box office receipts and has a fifth film already green lit (thankfully one Bay has said he WONT direct) … so, hey, what the hell do I know.  Maybe I just don’t get it.  Because, hell, enough people seem to.  Personally I like to think it was something else however…  something akin to a road crash where, despite the fact you know you shouldn’t, you go look anyway.    Yes that will be it.  Because near $1 billion of box office would otherwise mean the world is full of people so dumb that, we as a species, truly are screwed.

Transformium.  For fuck sake.

Best Bit: Prime riding Grimlock is pretty cool.  But it was also in the trailer so just watch that instead.

Buy, Rent, Stream, Borrow: I downloaded a Chinese subtitled version.  Even then I felt ripped off.

If You Liked this Try Battleship.  Or Transformers 3.  You’ll love them.  For everyone else… watch ANYTHING else.  Literally ANYTHING.

 

Author: Phil Hobden

Blog: The Legend Of Hercules – A Quick Capsule Review

Blog: The Legend Of Hercules – A Quick Capsule Review

Quick Review

Phil’s Quick Capsule Review:
Every now and then a film comes along that’s so laughably bad that you kinda wonder if it was made as a joke.  Sadly whilst The Legend Of Hercules is just that film, it’s painfully clear that everyone involved truly thought they were making Gladiator. From it’s sub-soap opera acting to it’s fag paper story, it leaches from one epically bad moment to the next.  Sadly not so bad it’s good… it’s so bad it’s just horrid. One to avoid.  The 2nd worst film of 2014 so far.

Best Bit: Scott Adkins

Buy, Rent, Stream, Borrow: Stream

If You Liked this Try: Hercules, Pompeii, Gladiator

 

Author: Phil Hobden

Blog: The Other Woman- A Quick Capsule Review

Quick Review

Phil’s Quick Capsule Review:
Any film that manages to be both spectacularly unfunny and deeply reprehensible at the same time is no mean feat.  Well The Other Woman manages that AS WELL as well as just being a poorly scripted, badly directed mess.  Sadly when it finally hits funny note or two (the punishment of the man in question) it dives past it within seconds, returning back to it’s stream of unfunny cliches. Trust me when I say, I’m not feminist but The Other Woman has just put back the woman’s movement almost 20 years.  Just terrible.

Best Bit: Yeah.  Jog on.

Buy, Rent, Stream, Borrow: Burn.  Literally.  Every copy.

If You Liked this Try: Boil your head.

 

Author: Phil Hobden