Every person I have ever met has an interest in something – be it football, cars, music etc. All worthy, normal pastimes that are generally tolerated by most people.
However if there’s one type of individual within the human race that receives an enormously unjust amount of ridicule – it is the dedicated film geek.
I am proud to say that I have been a member of this select group since approximately 1977 – the year Star Wars came out – coincidence? You be the judge.
This means that for the past 37 years I spent far too many hours ensconced in a cinema or in front of the telly and amassed a vast knowledge of useless information that, I have found to my cost, doesn’t really impress the fairer sex or put money in my pocket. Nevertheless – it is my firm belief that out in the world today there are many closeted film geeks just wishing to break free from their clandestine existence and declare themselves upon society.
So if you are reading this article and have an inkling that you may well be film geek, then here are 15 simple rules that must be strictly obeyed – read on:
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Rule Number 1
Without question, critique, pause or doubt you must have seen, be a massive fan of and own on dvd/blu ray the following 30 films:
The original Star Wars trilogy, Rocky, The Matrix, The Lord Of The Rings Trilogy (Extended Versions), Alien, Aliens, Blade Runner, The Terminator, Terminator 2, The Big Lebowski, Xmen2, Die Hard, The Raid, The Shawshank Redemption, Commando, Raiders Of the Lost Ark, Mad Max 2, Jaws, Pulp Fiction, Highlander, Star Trek 2, The Dark Knight Trilogy, Evil Dead 2 and Predator.
Rule Number 2
Your dvd/blu ray collection must be extensive, deeply personal to you, proudly on show in your place of residence and in strict alphabetical order.
Rule Number 3
A true geek does not arrive late at the cinema, nor does he talk during the film. In addition he does not leave said establishment if he has come to the end of watching a Marvel Studios production and knows full well that there is a post credits sequence to be enjoyed.
Rule Number 4
You must own at least one decent movie T Shirt and one piece of film memorabilia.
Rule Number 5
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a fan of Star Trek – but not a pathologically obsessive one. This is an affliction commonly referred to as “Trekiitis”. Symptoms include: pale skin, speaking in tongues, an aversion to exercise, zero social life, a stalled career, perpetual forced celibacy and hairy palms. Unfortunately there is no cure –so be warned.
Rule Number 6
You must buy one film magazine per month and read at least one film website per day to keep yourself up to date.
Rule Number 7
The following films must be universally dismissed by you as utter crap and must not have been enjoyed in anyway shape or form: Batman and Robin, Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull, Highlander 2, Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen, and Superman 4:The Quest for Peace. Any opinion voiced to the contrary will result in immediate exclusion from the world of geek and eternal damnation to a life of watching reruns of the Star Wars Holiday Special.
Rule Number 8
You must, on demand, be able to quote verbatim “The Path of The Righteous Man” from Pulp Fiction and the “Tears in Rain” speech from Blade Runner.
Rule Number 9
Shedding a happy tear whilst watching a film is perfectly acceptable and nothing to be ashamed of – examples include: the end of Rocky 1, and the Death Star trench sequence from Star Wars.
Rule Number 10
It is always accepted that the creation of Jar Jar Binks, writing a biblically awful script and casting Hayden Christensen as Anakin Skywalker was an unforgivable act of wanton neglect and thoughtlessness by George Lucas on all true Star Wars fans the world over.
Rule Number 11
Complete avoidance of any film directed by Uwe Boll is a must.
Rule Number 12
Anything written, produced or directed by the following has to be seen straight away: JJ Abrams, Joss Whedon, Sam Raimi, The Coen Brothers, Gareth Edwards, Gareth Evans, Christopher Nolan.
Rule Number 13
Most critics are not to be trusted – especially those that write for certain UK Newspapers.
(However those who write for ALLTHINGSFILM are perfectly acceptable and always right in their opinion)
Rule Number 14
The dedicated geek does not just restrict his viewing to the big screen. An unhealthy and moronic interest in various TV programmes must also be wholly embraced. It is therefore recommended that the following series be got into with immediate effect: Game Of Thrones, Breaking Bad, Spartacus, The Sopranos, Sons Of Anarchy, Firefly, The X Files, The Walking Dead and (using caution) Star Trek.
Rule Number 15
Han shot first – end of.
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There you go – 15 simple rules to follow – and if you can successfully do that, keep your head whilst all others are losing theirs – you’ll be a film geek my son.
Author: Will Strong