Holmes & Watson (2018): Review by Motion Picture Maniac

Holmes & Watson (2018): Review by Motion Picture Maniac

A Blog

First order of business for the new year, go see Holmes & Watson and try not to bang my head on the nearest hard surface. I strained and pushed and maybe even exhausted-to-death every brain cell at my disposal (all two of them) trying to keep out all of the apparently legend making negative feedback this film had received during the week before my viewing, in my efforts to at least look like a professional I didn’t want my expectations jeopardised by the bandwagon, something I’ve taken a real disliking to over the years due to all the good films damned by such bystander mentality. I denied myself any and all expectations, opened up my mind and braced for whatever was about to come through gates to face me on the battlefield.

Alas the ever untrustworthy voice of the internet has proved itself a boy who cried wolf that is now speaking the truth. Holmes & Watson is an unfunny career ending cringe fest stuffed like an ancient Rome era torture victim being force fed wine with facepalm inducing jokes, hideous performances, characters you want to strangle to death, continuity errors so bad it gives the cast the power to teleport, sound design not even worthy of an English dub of a foreign film and a script so full of bad choices it may as well have just been a list of every opportunity for success you personally missed throughout your whole life because it induces the same level of misery.

The actors at work here are not actually acting, they’re goofing around with line delivery being completely incidental to the complete and total faffing about on display. It almost makes me want to buy the eventual DVD in the hopes it will contain behind-the-scenes footage of just what direction everybody was given to achieve such embarrassment because I just gots to know. I’m serious, what the hell was going on during the making of this thing, what did the set look like – the finale of the Susperia remake? Various big names show up from time to time to humiliate themselves, Kelly MacDonald looks like she can’t wait to get it over with and just go home, Ralph Fiennes appears literally paid to stand there given how few lines he has and Steve Coogan? Well, let’s just say his character’s, spoiler alert, DEATH neatly mirrors what his agent has just done to him in real life.

This is a comedy with no laughs, I chuckled ever so slightly at a captioned quote that opens the film because of who it’s credited to but every single joke that comes along afterwards is just embarrassing to give attention to. I wasn’t just sat there being grumpy, I wanted to laugh, I prayed for at least just one gag to set me off but no, the chosen saviour never showed up; my funny bone was un-molested the entire time! Just prancing about, putting on a stupid voice, hurting yourself and others, literally smearing shit on somebody and generally acting like a tit is not comedy, it is not the exact chemistry required to bring forth the laughs, I could do it right now while writing this review, hang on… there, I just stopped typing for a minute to do my best impression of Donald Trump having a sexual encounter with the John Carpenter THING and an epileptic walrus, you couldn’t see it but believe me – it wasn’t funny.

Speaking of Donal Trump, good grief, the jokes about him just keep on truckin’, not that I’m against making fun of that fucking idiot but the jokes Holmes & Watson offers up go very little beyond hey, you know who we’re talking about? Yes, hardy-har-har, a hat that says make England great again, a dialogue exchange about how democracy is intended to prevent evil selfish businessmen from taking power over the people; I wanted to laugh but all I did was cry in the end. Story beats are all familiar and typical of a cheap throwaway comedy like this, the editor should be absolutely ashamed, saying that: the whole cast should be ashamed too, that selfie joke in the trailer was just as brain pulverising in the actual film and those Titanic jokes… yeah, I personally can’t stand people who are easily offended these days, especially by simple jokes, but these were… um… yeah… I think that’s an indication to wrap up so Holmes & Watson, nothing says poster quote like “a comedy that isn’t funny, full of heroes you wish with all your heart were dead”.

Not the worst film I’ve ever seen, it’s runtime did manage to pass along quickly enough, it’s 90 minutes did not feel like 90 hours as some others have done in the past but I’ll be damned to my rightful place in hell much sooner than I’d prefer if this doesn’t earn a 1/10 just for sheer annoyance.

 

Author: Motion Picture Maniac  

 


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Phil’s Top 5… American’s Doing British Accents

Phil’s Top 5… American’s Doing British Accents

Other Cr*p Top 5

Each week Phil, from Phil’s Quick Capsule Review, takes a look at a different movie or TV related Top Five.  This time out: we take a look at American Actors Doing British Accents

 

5 – Meryl Streep as Margaret Thatcher in “The Iron Lady”

 

 


4 – Natalie Portman as Evey in “V for Vendetta” (2005):


 


3 – Renée Zellweger as the title character in “Bridget Jones’s Diary”


 


2 – Robert Downey Jr. as the titular British detective “Sherlock Holmes”


 


1 – Gwyneth Paltrow in “Shakespeare in Love” (1998)


 

Phil’s Best To Worst: Guy Richie Films

Phil’s Best To Worst: Guy Richie Films

Best... Other Cr*p

In our latest regular feature, coming out the first Friday of each month, Phil (of Phil’s Quick Capsule Review) breaks down a film related subject in order of his own personal enjoyment from Best To Worst.  This time out: Guy Richie Films! 

[divider]

Best: Lock, Sock And Two Smoking Barrels

Lock, Stock is a near flawless film. It’s also one of the best film debut’s and one of the best British films ever made.  Yes it’s that good.  From Moran’s faultless Eddy to impressive debuts of Statham & Vinnie Jones.

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2. Snatch

Whilst not QUITE hitting the highs of Lock, Stock Snatch is a fun slice of quotable British gangster fun.  Alan Ford is a real stand out, but it’s Brad Pitt that steals the show.

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3. Rock N Rolla

Often forgotten in the pantheon of Guy Richie films, RockNRolla is good fun and a more mature gangster film than either Lock, Stock or Snatch.  Great cast, good script… shame we are still awaiting for the promised return nearly ten years later!

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4. Sherlock Holmes

Robert Downey Jnr is a great Holmes, Jude Law gets his teeth into Watson and the set pieces are bold and silly.  I enjoyed this a lot.

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5. The Man From U.N.C.L.E

Take the Sherlock Holmes vibe, mix in a mostly forgotten TV show and add a dash of two handsome leads and you have the messy but enjoyable Man From Uncle.

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6. Sherlock Holmes : A Game Of Shadows

In hindsight this film wasn’t quite 7/10 I originally rated it.  On second viewing sadly it lost a lot and certainly is the lesser of Richie’s post gangster films.

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7. King Arthur: Legend Of The Sword 

A hot mess of a film that can be both rushed and boring.  Think Lock, Stock and One Smoking Jude Law. Not a total bomb but also not great either

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8. Revolver 

A Kabala influenced mess, Revolver is only for the hardcore Guy Richie fans.

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Worst : Slipped Away 

I’m married to Madonna. Lets make a film with Madonna.  Oh.  She cant act. Awkward.

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