The Best and the Worst of 2016 – Motion Picture Maniac

The Best and the Worst of 2016 – Motion Picture Maniac

A Blog Motion Picture Maniac

2016 absolutely sucked, not just because we had, what felt like, twice as many bad films as usual, but more celebrity deaths than one can count and the UK and US trying to out-do each other in the “see who can make the worst political decision ever” competition. But alas, we are here just to talk about the films we had this past year, and usually I would stick to top 10 lists but it seems 2016 was so prolific I had to go for dreaded top 20’s instead of 10’s; not sure if that means the year was extra good, or extra bad.

TOP 20 BEST FILMS OF 2016

I’ve heard wonderful things about Moonlight, Patriot’s Day, Manchester By The Sea and Silence but they are yet to come out in UK just yet, so don’t go thinking they’re not on the list because I didn’t like them or any such nonsense, I just haven’t seen them so I can’t comment. Either way, here are my personal favourite films of 2016, if you don’t like them – tough!

  1. Everybody Wants Some!!
  1. The Girl With All The Gifts
  1. Moana
  1. Café Society
  1. Anthropoid
  1. Hush
  1. The Neon Demon
  1. Brotherhood
  1. Deadpool
  1. Zootopia
  1. 13th
  1. Finding Dory
  1. Hell Or High Water
  1. Arrival
  1. Deepwater Horizon
  1. Captain America: Civil War
  1. Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice – Ultimate Edition (I’m not sorry)
  1. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
  1. American Honey
  1. I, Olga Hepnarova

HONOURABLE MENTIONS

The Conjuring 2

Midnight Special

Sully

Hail Caesar

Doctor Strange

 

DISQUALIFICATIONS

These titles were released in 2016, but IMDB, for whatever reason, decided to count them as 2015 releases, I choose to put them in their own list not to put them down but rather as an excuse to include as many good films as possible, if I included them in the main list I would have to remove some other titles already on there, and even if the disqualifications are better than those films I would have to take off the list to make room, I would still rather do it this way so none are left out, honourable mentions are difficult enough to pick out.

Knight Of Cups

Eye In The Sky

Son Of Saul

Green Room

The Witch

 

BOTTOM 20 WORST FILMS OF 2016

Now for the other list, the 20 movies this year that made me question my existence and hate myself for sitting in front of as they played out, like I said before, this was a bad year for films, I tried to keep it to 10 slots but it couldn’t be done, better luck next year.

  1. Dirty Grandpa
  1. The Boss
  1. Fifty Shades Of Black
  1. My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2
  1. God’s Of Egypt
  1. Allegiant
  1. Pete’s Dragon
  1. The Choice
  1. Alice Through The Looking Glass
  1. Ice Age: Collision Course
  1. Mother’s Day
  1. The Other Side Of The Door
  1. Swallows And Amazons
  1. Equity
  1. Me Before You
  1. Ballerina
  1. Dad’s Army
  1. Nine Lives
  1. Norm Of The North
  1. Miracles From Heaven

NOTE – Miracles From Heaven is the worst film of the year for me because, despite not having production values as horrid as some of the other films on the list, religious propaganda just rubs me the wrong way, especially when it’s as arrogant and pompous as this and not just badly made (which it is).

 

DISHONOURABLE MENTIONS

The Boy

Risen

Now You See Me 2

Keeping Up With The Joneses

The Forest

 

BEST LINES IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER

*Everything he says* – Ryan Reynolds in Deadpool

“I need to get her out of me” – Bella Heathcote in The Neon Demon

“Be careful not to choke on your aspirations, director” – James Earl Jones in Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

“To commit suicide you need a strong will, my child. Something you certainly don’t have” – Klara Meliskova in I, Olga Hepnarova

“If God is all powerful, he cannot be all good, and if he is all good, he cannot be all powerful” – Jesse Eisenberg in Batman V Superman (again, I’m not sorry)

“I hope he comes all over your car!” – Sasha Lane in American Honey

“You’d think there were ten of me” – Ben Foster in Hell Or High Water

“I am just a dumb bunny but we are good at multiplying” – Ginnifer Goodwin in Zootopia

“Never tell a soldier he does not know the cost of war” – Alan Rickman in Eye In The Sky

“Suck it, bipeds” – Ed O’Neil in Finding Dory

 

TOP SURPRISINGLY GOOD PERFORMANCES

Shia LaBeouf in American Honey

Gal Gadot in Batman V Superman

The Rock in Moana

Jamie Dornan in Anthropoid

Jai Courtney in Suicide Squad

Aaron Taylor-Johnson in Nocturnal Animals

 

MEMORABLE SCENES

Darth Vader rebel massacre – Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

Church shootout – Anthropoid

Granny’s peach tea – Batman V Superman

Airport royal rumble – Captain America: Civil War

Alone at the morgue – The Neon Demon

Truck murder – I, Olga Hepnarova

Bye-bye baby – The Witch

They arrive – Arrival

Alan Rickman’s final scene – Eye In The Sky

The pit – Son Of Saul

 

FAVOURITE SOUNDTRACKS

Hans Zimmer & Junkie XL – Batman V Superman (notably “Is she with you” & “This is my world”)

Cliff Martinez – The Neon Demon

Johann Johannsson – Arrival

Robin Foster – Anthropoid

Opetaia Foa’i, Mark Mancina & Lin-Manuel Miranda – Moana

Michael Giacchino – Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (I know some people aren’t too fussed, but I most certainly was, especially the track “Your Father would be proud”)

Nine Lives – Motion Picture Maniac

Nine Lives – Motion Picture Maniac

A Blog Motion Picture Maniac

Nine Lives is a film so embarrassing on every conceivable level in regards to all things filmmaking, I am truly stunned, right into paralysis, that the filmmakers and the studio actually felt comfortable with allowing the world to see the abomination they had created, were they proud of their monster, like a parent who can only see nonexistent beauty rather than what they’ve truly spawned, who knows?

Credit to the trailer for being honest and truthful however, as it is careful not to leave anything out, no lies, no trickery, it lets you know exactly what kind of film this is, so all I can really say to you, dear innocent reader, is watch the trailer and let it speak for itself. I want to be professional and give an in depth analysis as a good critic is supposed to do, but I just can’t, this film drained all of my will power as it took every ounce of strength that I had to stay in my seat and not leave, so please, just watch the trailer, and you will know.

The filmmaking on display here is so hideous it’s as though the director saw the Pudsey movie and decided to compete with it, zero style, zero personality, absolutely no grace to the editing whatsoever, green screen so bad I wanted to tip sulphuric acid into my eyes, music and acting so sickly I wanted to reach inside my ears and rip out the important bits and if a film could smell, no doubt this one would emit the stench of a dead rotting skunk put in a blender alongside decade old sewage, cat vomit and aged cow semen.

I mean lets just look at the story, Kevin Spacey plays a powerful businessman who has no time for his family, so… Ugh, he gets turned into a cat, and must remain that way until Christopher Walken sees fit to turn him normal again… Christ! Who thought this would be a good idea? Certainly not Spacey or Walken who both look like they’re about to fall asleep, and when Spacey becomes the cat, he couldn’t sound any more bored if he was doped on sleeping pills.

This thing is ugly, televisual, cheap, awkward, embarrassing, cliched, unoriginal, badly acted and isn’t even only good for children as it runs the risk damaging what little intelligence they have and forever impairing what they would gain in later life. That’s really funny because with a story involving a CGI cat getting into trouble as he tries to get his family of idiots to realise he’s actually the husband/father, you would think this wouldn’t be too bad for kids, but the dialogue is all business talk and statistics and construction details and grown up stuff that children aren’t going to give a single solitary shite about, so who the hell is this travesty intended for?

Even the child actors absolutely suck, I’m sorry but they’re awful and don’t tell me that saying such things would upset them because any human being who actually cares about this film’s critical reception and well being probably only does for financial reasons, so what would they care about the feelings of the child actors? I’m being mean, I know it’s not the actors’ fault, this monstrosity just has me very riled up. Moments that supposed to be funny are just as badly done as the rest, and the moments that are supposed to be emotional are just hilarious because of how atrocious the acting is.

I hope all the big names are happy with their pay cheques because that’s clearly all they were in it for. What is going on with movies in 2016, for the most part this year has been a complete sham, and Nine Lives only pours salt onto that wound, the CGI cat is one of the most embarrassing screen entities of all time, the filmmakers should be ashamed to think that this could be, in any way, serviceable and I’m inclined to say that accidentally setting for to all the footage in the editing room would have been less of a mistake than approving the script, which apparently has 5 names on it, it took 5 people to write this rubbish? 5???