Alita: Battle Angel (2019): Review by Grosse Point Geek

Alita: Battle Angel (2019): Review by Grosse Point Geek

A Blog
Plot In a nutshell: Hundreds of years after a devastating world war known as ‘The Fall’, the remnants of humanity live in a sprawling metropolis called Iron City whilst the privileged occupy the floating paradise of Zalem. Sorting through a junkyard, a scientist (Christoph Waltz) finds a half intact female cyborg (Rosa Salazar) who he reassembles and calls Alita after his dead daughter. At first Alita has no memories of her past life but after a series of violent flashbacks it soon becomes apparent that she is a highly trained killer, skilled in an ancient form of martial arts and has been built solely for the purpose of war.
What worked: Its not the worst film ever made, the special effects used to create Alita are good, the production values aren’t bad, its well acted and some of the action is ok.
What Could have been better: Just about everything else. The script is a cheesefest of epic proportions, apart from Christoph Waltz, i couldn’t of cared less about any of the characters who are a combination of just about every cliche in the book, most of the action scenes are boring and unexciting (the exception being a pretty good bar scrap) theres way way too much CGI and at two hours its at least 20 minutes too long. Worst of all the plot goes absolutely no where and is nothing more than a cobbled together rip off of far better films  – just about everything appears to have been thrown in here from Rollerball, Elysium, Ready Player One, the Divergent series, the Terminator, Dredd etc  – and not in a good way. Finally everyone’s favorite cheapo hack Robert Rodriguez directs with zero flair and seems completely out of his depth.
Review Summary: Producer and screenwriter James Cameron has been trying to get this film made for years and frankly shouldn’t have bothered, Alita is nothing more than a bloated, deeply unoriginal load of old crap that has zero chance of becoming a franchise and the studio who bankrolled it should have bloody well known better. Why on earth they would give Robert Rodriguez a £200 million budget to make this  nonsense is beyond me, the man is a pretentious hack, who just recycles his own moribund product time and again and hasnt had a hit film since Sin City in 2005. As for James Cameron, i for one am losing patience very quickly with him. Yes he has made two of the most successful films in history (Titanic and Avatar) but that doesn’t give him the right disappear off the radar for nine years and then heft this rubbish onto unsuspecting audiences. All i can say is that his now shooting Avatar sequels had better be something pretty damned awesome for him to get back into my good books.
Cinematic smegma of almighty proportions – avoid.
Pay to see it at the cinemas: No
Buy it on Blu Ray/DVD: No

 

 

 

 


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Alita: Battle Angel (2019) – A Quick Capsule Review

Alita: Battle Angel (2019) – A Quick Capsule Review

Quick Review

Phil’s Quick Capsule Review:
Alita: Battle Angel is a total mess.  Yup it’s 15 years plus in development for filmmaker James Cameron, who turns over directorial duties to the unreliable Robert Rodriguez but sadly still carried writing the script.  Seriously if after 15 years you can’t get a better script that this, then Avatar 2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9  stand no hope. Mahershala Ali does that thing actors do now where they get nominated for an Oscar just months away from starring in a totally bollocks film (see: John C Riley, Eddie Redmayne) in a cast that features both box office repellants Ed Skrein and Jai Courtney.  From its non-ending ending, to its ‘did they REALLY just write that’ script, across to its piss poor CGI and clunky directing this film does almost everything wrong.  Please avoid.

Best Bit: My 2 minutes toilet break which gave me a nice break from the film

Cinema, Stream, Avoid: Avoid

If You Liked this Try: Avatar, Ghost In The Shell, Ready Player One

 


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Podcast: The Smoking Lamb #068 – Drunk DVD Commentary: Aliens

Podcast: The Smoking Lamb #068 – Drunk DVD Commentary: Aliens

The Podcasts The Smoking Lamb Podcast

It’s The Smoking Lamb Movie Podcast. A weekly, no-holds-baa-aa-arred, and R-rated look at the world of movies.

On this episode:

WARNING! THE FOLLOWING COMMENTARY IS BEST LISTENED TO ALONG WITH THE FILM AS THERE ARE PERIODS OF SILENCE. HOWEVER, IT IS STILL ENTERTAINING EITHER WAY!!!!

The Drinking Rules are as follows (we hope you play along).
Drink Everytime:
1) Hudson Panics
2) Newt Screams
3) Bishop Looks Creepy
4) A Xenomorph Gets Killed

Down Your Drink:
1) When You Hear “Get away from her YOU BITCH!!!”

Check it out and BLEAT THE WORLD and don’t forget to follow up on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

#TheSmokingLamb #MoviePodcasts #Podcasts #FilmPodcast

 

Review: Alien Quadrilogy (DVD/BR)

Review: Alien Quadrilogy (DVD/BR)

Uncategorized
Alien
A near perfect horror film, tense, with believable characters, a pitch perfect script and tension by the bucket loads it’s hard to think of a way that could make this film any better.  From the discovery of the Alien eggs, John Hurt’s death & Alien birth, the creature prowling the ship picking off the crew one by one, Ian Holm’s reveal as a android… almost every moment defines classic.
Classic Moment: John Hurt bites the big one!
 
Aliens: The Directors Cut
Made on a budget less that Tom Cruise would command as a fee, Aliens is the perfect example of what happens when creativity, talent and a damn good idea combine.  In reality it’s probably the best sequel of all time and certainly the best sci-fi action film ever made.  Classic moments: Discovering the Aliens, Sentry Guns, Loader vs. Queen Alien, Bishop ripped apart, discovering Newt, the motion trackers as the Aliens close in… the list goes on.  As a side note it’s sad that Cameron went from being such a skilled director, adept at making tiny budgets go far to the purveyor of such bloated tosh as Avatar & Titanic. 
Classic Moment: Get Away From Her… You Bitch!
Alien 3 – Extended Cut
Much maligned but actually rather good in its extended form, as it adds better characters, motivations and an ending that actually makes sense alongside some impressive direction and a dark, broody feel that allows the film to stand on its own two feet.   Fincher almost owns this film, as it rose out of the bowls of studio interference to become what is a stunning if water downed version of what it could have been (even in it’s extended form). As it happens this was probably the Alien film I watched most after Aliens growing up (in its original form) and that itself I think speaks volumes to the mistaken lack of quality and class of this film.
Classic Moment: The autopsy.
Alien Resurrection
Okay yes it’s pretty poor but the brief underwater sequence almost (ALMOST) makes the film worth watching.  Add in some nice ideas (and the newborn hybrid is a nice idea, albeit badly done), a good cast and you still have the weakest of all four films by a country mile but one that, at times, kids you to thinking it’s better than it is. 
Classic Moment: Aliens under water!
 

 

NOT INCLUDED BUT AVOID: 

Alien vs Predator 

Alien Vs Predator Requiem
 

Prometheus