Fifty Shades Freed (2018) – A Quick Capsule Review

Fifty Shades Freed (2018) – A Quick Capsule Review

Quick Review

Phil’s Quick Capsule Review:
Fifty Shades Freed is amazing.  How anyone could make a film that takes itself so seriously yet is so ineptly delivered on every level should actually be applauded.  It’s so laughably bad that I almost cant hate it.  What’s worse is that whilst the film delivers lashings of sex, it’s done with such ineptitude that i’d image that watching a dishwasher would be more arousing.  Especially when you consider that leads have zero chemistry.  Honestly whilst it’s probably (slightly) better than the middle film of the trilogy it’s just so damn dull that you actually forget what’s happening seconds after it’s taken place.

Best Bit: Urm… certainly not the sex

Buy, Stream, Avoid: Avoid. Unless you actually thought the other two were good. Then fill your boots.

If You Liked this Try: Fifty Shades Of Grey, Fifty Shades Freed Darker or just watch YouPorn. 

 


Follow us on Social Media:

 

 

 

Fifty Shades Freed – Motion Picture Maniac

Fifty Shades Freed – Motion Picture Maniac

Motion Picture Maniac

 

I’ve barely even started typing and I’m already tired of talking about this. Listen, people, this is the third Fifty Shades Of A Wasted Life, I went out there, I sat down in an auditorium full of giggling gangs of hens and I watched it, surprise, surprise, it isn’t very good, it’s everything you think it’s going to be, they’ve learned nothing from the previous entries, the acting is no better or worse, the dialogue is no better or worse, the sex scenes are still oddly safe and dull, I’m grateful they didn’t do what I was afraid they would do, which is split the last book into two parts (thank Satan), so this is definitely going to be the last one, they made their impact on pop culture (as embarrassing as it is), good for them, well done, E. L. James – see you in hell *joke*; goodbye.

I still have to explain why don’t I? UGGGHHH! I’ll be honest, I was pretty embarrassed going in, despite this being the third one I’ve seen in the cinema, I’m really not sure why, I dunno, something happens to you when you willingly go to see a film like this; anyway. This time around the empty moron Anastasia Steele has gone and married the creepy stalker Christian Grey at the beginning of the film and from there – stuff happens, which is exactly what I said in my review of the second one, these two idiots do “stuff”, they have sex, do stuff, look at houses, do stuff, drive a car, do stuff; blah blah blah.

I’m not just hating on the movie because that’s the trendy thing to do, this thing really is legitimately bad, it fails to earn its reputation for being taboo and instead lives up to one for specific badness, that and, for the third time around, it’s hard to provide an entertaining review when it’s all just the same sh*t as last time; it’s like trying to review a transformers movie. The acting is bad, I do feel sympathy for the actors, they’re working with hideous dialogue and unrealistic characters, bless ‘em because they certainly try their hardest; but it just doesn’t work.

Any semblance of a plot comes about when Anna’s sex pest boss from the second film shows up from time to time to cause trouble, now there’s an attempt at a twist with this character which I’m just going to spoil because I’m in a bad mood, it turns out that the boss and Christian Grey were in the same foster care together as children and the boss is angry at Grey because HE wanted to be the one chosen to live with an impossibly rich family. Yup, the designated villain has a grudge against Grey because he wasn’t chosen to undergo a silver spoon enema, the fact that there’s not even a hint at this in part 2 when he first showed up makes it all feel like a tact on after thought when they realised there wasn’t enough excitement for the big climax; also doesn’t change the fact that is one of the most absurd twists in recent years.

If you want to know why I’m giving it the same score as last time – a generous 3, it’s because, once again, I’m not enraged by this movie, I’m not ready to tear my hair out, this series is not the worst thing I’ve ever seen, it’s just colossally meh. Fifty Shades Freed is probably the most unintentionally hilarious of the three; it’s not the most boring, although it is boring, it’s not the most pointless, although it is pointless but I would definitely say it’s the funniest. I almost hurt myself trying not to laugh when Mr. Grey confronts his new bride in her office and gets deeply emotionally hurt by the fact that she hasn’t changed her name in her email address from Steele to Grey, and what about the scene where she tells him that she’s (spoiler alert) pregnant, he full on flips out and it’s supposed to be engaging but it is just so damn funny!

The unintentional humour almost makes it worth a watch so yeah, a generous three sounds ok to me, aside from that though, this movie just doesn’t work, not the performances, not the toilet paper that is the script, not the televisual cinematography or Hallmark quality direction – nothing. Sam Taylor Johnson was trying to conjure something interesting out of the first one but E. L. James just wouldn’t let her do it and James Foley, the director of the next two, functions only as a tool, they just needed somebody to direct principal photography but really he’s just a chess piece to be told what to do by E. L. James and as a result we have some very cheap looking trash.

I am done, I can’t talk about it any more, it’s not the worst thing ever, it’s just bland and meh and rubbish, it’s the third time around I’ve had to say this but now we can finally put it to rest, Fifty Shades Freed is a boring and badly made film with some entertaining unintentional humour and that’s all I have to say; thank the high heavens that we don’t yet know when they plan on doing a reboot of some kind or even movie adaptations of the rehash books from Grey’s perspective.

Worst Film of 2017: Fifty Shades Darker

Worst Film of 2017: Fifty Shades Darker

Best & Worst Quick Review

Phil’s Quick Capsule Review:
A film that makes the original 50 Shades look like Casablanca, Fifty Shades Darker decides to stick with the source material for mostly hilarious results.  This film is about as se– as a over 90’s Bingo night at Pontins and is delivered with all the sophistication and charm of, well, an over 90’s Bingo night at Pontins.  It’s terrible.  So bad that I’d advise you to watch anything else. Anything.

Best Bit: The Dire-log.  It’s brilliantly bad

Buy, Stream, Avoid: Avoid

If You Liked this Try: Showgirls, 50 Shades Of Grey, a Cold shower (actual not a  film)

IMDB Rating: 

 

Author: Phil Hobden

Gerald’s Game – A Quick Capsule Review

Gerald’s Game – A Quick Capsule Review

Quick Review

Phil’s Quick Capsule Review:
Gerald’s Game is yet another 2017 Stephen King adaptation.  This one sits between the most excellent I.T and the less than excellent (but still not as bad as everyone says!) The Dark Tower. With some strong central performances, a tight story and a nippy run time it works well, even if the tones and story is a little bit familiar.   Another strong Netflix original…

Best Bit: Netflix Hits again

Buy, Stream, Avoid: Stream (Netflix)

If You Liked this Try: IT, The Stand, Fifty Shades Of Grey, Misery

IMDB Rating: 

 

Author: Phil Hobden

Fifty Shades Darker – A Quick Capsule Review

Fifty Shades Darker – A Quick Capsule Review

Quick Review

Phil’s Quick Capsule Review:
A film that makes the original 50 Shades look like Casablanca, Fifty Shades Darker decides to stick with the source material for mostly hilarious results.  This film is about as se– as a over 90’s Bingo night at Pontins and is delivered with all the sophistication and charm of, well, an over 90’s Bingo night at Pontins.  It’s terrible.  So bad that I’d advise you to watch anything else. Anything.

Best Bit: The Dire-log.  It’s brilliantly bad

Buy, Stream, Avoid: Avoid

If You Liked this Try: Showgirls, 50 Shades Of Grey, a Cold shower (actual not a  film)

IMDB Rating: 

 

Author: Phil Hobden

Fifty Shades Darker – Motion Picture Maniac

Fifty Shades Darker – Motion Picture Maniac

Motion Picture Maniac

So… yeah… I went to the cinema to see Fifty Shades Darker, the sequel to Fifty Shades Of Grey, a movie about a sweet innocent idiot who ends up in a controlling and abusive relationship with a billionaire sadist and… not much else to be perfectly honest, the plot didn’t really go further than that. Speaking of being perfectly honest, while everyone seemed to be calling Fifty Shades Of Grey out for being one of the worst films they had ever seen, I myself did not strictly hate it, I mean it wasn’t good, it was boring, played it safe and I had a lot of trouble telling whether or not the humour was intentional or not but the problems, for me, stopped there, I just didn’t think it was worth getting all that worked up over; it was just a bit boring and uninteresting.

Now we have Fifty Shades Darker, darker than what? Bloody shit? Say what you want about the first instalment, at least Sam Taylor-Johnson was trying to do something interesting with the material she was given, in fact I heard a story that Kelly Marcel, the screenwriter, had a version of the script that was very different to the book and explored the psychology of the BDSM lifestyle very early on. The studio executives, according to this story, were apparently very happy with it, that is until E. L. James became involved and immediately objected to such differences and the studio was suddenly unhappy with it, forcing Marcel to rewrite the whole thing and allowing James enough control whereupon she was in a position to have screaming matches with Johnson.

This explains a lot if it’s true, and it makes sense that such an experience would make Johnson and Marcel decline the offer to return for future instalments, now we have the husband of E. L. James writing the screenplay, James Foley in the director’s chair, probably hired for being a much more submissive filmmaker than the ambitious Johnson, and E. L. James remains in a position of power with which every creative decision must be approved by her, and no offense to the woman but this certainly explains why this film is even worse than the first in almost every way, the dialogue is worse, the acting is worse, the story feels like it’s making it up as it goes along, character motivation is inconsistent, the cinematography is bland, the direction is non existent, the soundtrack is obnoxious and the sex scenes are as uninteresting as they were in the first one.

I actually tried to read the first Fifty Shades Of Grey book and made it to sixty pages before closing it up and smacking myself in the face with it until said face went numb, only to gain feeling back when I began my inevitable rant to my friends and the rage fuelled blood began pumping the nerves back to life. What I’m trying to say here guys is – I’m trying, I’m really trying to understand the appeal and I just don’t, I mean I like risqué content and films that don’t care what conservatives think but this is just annoying. This whole thing feels like a cartoon, the dialogue is as cheesy as a porno written by George Lucas, characters barely have a tinge of realism to them, particularly Dakota Johnson’s boss character who turns may as well promise to the camera he has rape on his mind in the very first scene he’s in.

I can’t tell if Dakota is being a bad actress or the dialogue she’s working with is holding her back, same with Dornan, he’s been great in everything else he’s been in so could it just be the dialogue? Who knows? As far as filmmaking is concerned there generally is none, every shot feels bland and safe and without a shred of personality which at least the first film tried to have and the plot, oh God, what plot? You know what happens in this film? – Stuff, just a bunch of stuff, they go to a masked ball, they have sex, a girl from Grey’s past shows up, more stuff, Dakota’s boss creeps out, stuff, they drive a boat, stuff, and it goes on and on and on. You would think the sex would provide at least some kind of intrigue, being BDSM and all, but no, you can have the blind folds, the cuffs, the weird metallic beads but none of it feels remotely boundary pushing or risqué even though it clearly thinks it is which is a shame because the BDSM stuff is the film’s opportunity to get real for a minute and it just doesn’t capitalise on it.

The last twenty minutes of this thing, I’m telling you, are so hilarious they almost made the whole thing worth it, why am I giving this film three stars? Well, one reason is because it didn’t make me angry enough to go lower and I felt bad for the actors but the other reason is because of how funny it was at times, again – no idea if it was intentional or not but it was hilarious nevertheless, especially those last twenty minutes. There’s plenty of cringe to go around too but just as I was about to give up all hope, this crap suddenly got really funny so thank Christ for that. This is not a good film, it’s even worse than the first and while it’s probably not going to be among the worst films I’m going to see this year, a scary thought, it’s just boring and uninteresting and doesn’t take the necessary leaps it clearly wishes it could to be what it should be, porn in the cinema; I mean it can’t be anything else now can it?

Worst Film of 2015: Fifty Shades Of Grey

Worst Film of 2015: Fifty Shades Of Grey

Best & Worst Quick Review

Phil’s Quick Capsule Review:
Imagine a book written by someone who has only ever seen sex on bad TV.  Now imagine that the book gets turned into a film with all the sexiness of a very awkward orgy and you don’t even get close to this trash.   Yes Fifty Shades of Grey is terrible. But not in a Showgirls funny way.  In a god this is bad kinda way.

Best Bit: The Dire-log.  It’s brilliantly bad

Buy, Stream, Avoid: Avoid

If You Liked this Try: Showgirls, Jade, Basic Instinct

IMDB Rating: 

 

Author: Phil Hobden

Phil’s 5 Worst Films of 2015

Phil’s 5 Worst Films of 2015

Quick Review Year In Review

So 2015 is almost over and it’s that time a year again where everyone reflects back on their best and worst films of the year. So first up… the 5 WORST film of 2015.  And there were quite a few to choose from..

Stinker of The Year: Fifty Shades Of Grey
In Brief:Oh god why, why did I watch this?  I guess it was partly to see what all the fuss was about.  And apparently the fuss was about awkward sex scenes, bad acting and a script that could have been written by a middle aged woman writing bad Twilight fan fiction.  Oh.  It was.

 

 

2. He Who Dares 2: Downing Street Down
In Brief: The funniest film of 2015 by a long way.  Filmmaking as pure incompetence.

3. Magic Mike XXL
In Brief: Not funny, not charming, Not anything.  Just piss poor.

4. Blackhat
In Brief: From the guy who made Heat comes possible one of the biggest let downs of 2015.  Just one of the most boring films I’ve seen this year.

5. Assassin
In Brief:  Danny Dyer on Brighton seafront riding a push bike rates as possible this years best 30 seconds of cinema.  So bad i cried laughing.  As for the rest of the film: utter shite.

Dis-Honourable Mentions:
Maggie, Insurgent, Spy, Minions, Taken 3,  Everly, American Sniper, Spectre, Big Eyes, Jupiter Ascending

 

Phil’s Best & Worst of 2015… So Far! (Updated: 7th Oct 2015)

Quick Review

Best Films of 2015… So Far.

So this is my semi-regularly updated of the BEST and WORST of 2015’s movies, in my very humble opinion.

Best Films Of 2015… So Far:

1. Whiplash (9/10)
2. Inside Out (9/10)
3. Shaun The Sheep (9/10)
4. Birdman (8/10)
5. Kingsmen: The Secret Service (8/10)

Honourable Mentions: Pitch Perfect 2 (8/10); Unfriended (8/10); The Infinite Man (8/10); John Wick (8/10) ; Focus (8/10); The Theory Of Everything (8/10); Going Clear (8/10); Cinderella (8/10); Son Of A Gun


Worst Films Of 2014… So Far:

1. Fifty Shades Of Grey (2/10)
2. He Who Dares 2: Downing Street Down (2/10)
3. Magic Mike XXL (3/10)
4. Blackhat (3/10)
5. Assassin (3/10)

Dis-Honourable Mentions:  Maggie (3/10); Insurgent (4/10), Spy (4/10); Minions (4/10), Taken 3 (4/10), Everly (5/10), American Sniper (5/10), Big Eyes (5/10), Jupiter Ascending (5/10)

 

 The Sharknado Award for Films So Good They Cant Be Rated:

Kung Fury (And Sharknado 3)


Great Films of 2013 I didn’t see in
2013

Honourable Mentions: I, Origins (7/10), Pride (9/10), The Imitation Game (7/10), Paddington (8/10), Kajaki (9/10)

 

Blog: All Things Film – 50 Shades Of Please Stop This Torture Reviewed

Blog: All Things Film – 50 Shades Of Please Stop This Torture Reviewed

Uncategorized

Sadly whilst at times Fifty Shades manages to rise to the level of Showgirls bad mostly it’s just really dull.  The leads have no charisma and its pace plodding. But mostly it serves as a lesson to writers and filmmakers everywhere… No matter how shit your work is someone somewhere will probably still watch it.  And fund it.  It’s an inspirational tale… if this shit can get made, so can your script.  

But this film is mostly unreviewable …  men will rightly avoid it, woman will want to see if for ‘curiosity’ factor.   So in lieu of a full review, here are some thoughts:

1. Fact: As a man I’d rather masterbate to a postage stamp than to the sex scenes in this film.  They are neither sexy or fun.  
2. The leads have less chemistry than two twigs blowing in the wind in separate fields.   
3. I’ve had sexier job interviews than this film.  In fact I’ve been more turned on at my last prostate exam as delivered by a obesely overweight german doctor with the bedside manor of Judy Finnagan.  
4. She is dull. He’s a twat.  They kinda deserve each other
5. The dialogue in this film makes that is Showgirls look like William Goldman wrote it. 
6. EL James wants to write the next two films herself… excellent.  That should make them much funnier. 
7. This film isn’t for men.  Or women.  It’s for mums.  And grandmas. The average age of people who liked this will be 60.  The average IQ less than 60. 
8. At two hours long this film is neither bad enough to be entertaining or knowing enough to be bad.  
9. This started as Twilight fan fiction.  It ended up be responsible for a corner of the Amazon being destroyed to make the paper the book was printed on. Possible this means the cure of cancer died with this book.  If that doesn’t depress you, note that this film has made more money than Dredd, Serenity and a million other much better films.  
10. The sequels have been green-lit.  We live in a world where more of these films get made yet Firefly got cancelled. 

This review wont stop you watching this film but just be aware that if you do it’s two hours of your life you will never get back.   Ever.  Now I’m off to punch myself in the face.

Author: Phil Hobden

 

To hear more on this review (and others like it) make sure you download the Filmsploitation podcast, part of the All Things Film network.