Fifty Shades Freed (2018) – A Quick Capsule Review

Fifty Shades Freed (2018) – A Quick Capsule Review

Quick Review

Phil’s Quick Capsule Review:
Fifty Shades Freed is amazing.  How anyone could make a film that takes itself so seriously yet is so ineptly delivered on every level should actually be applauded.  It’s so laughably bad that I almost cant hate it.  What’s worse is that whilst the film delivers lashings of sex, it’s done with such ineptitude that i’d image that watching a dishwasher would be more arousing.  Especially when you consider that leads have zero chemistry.  Honestly whilst it’s probably (slightly) better than the middle film of the trilogy it’s just so damn dull that you actually forget what’s happening seconds after it’s taken place.

Best Bit: Urm… certainly not the sex

Buy, Stream, Avoid: Avoid. Unless you actually thought the other two were good. Then fill your boots.

If You Liked this Try: Fifty Shades Of Grey, Fifty Shades Freed Darker or just watch YouPorn. 

 


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Fifty Shades Freed – Motion Picture Maniac

Fifty Shades Freed – Motion Picture Maniac

Motion Picture Maniac

 

I’ve barely even started typing and I’m already tired of talking about this. Listen, people, this is the third Fifty Shades Of A Wasted Life, I went out there, I sat down in an auditorium full of giggling gangs of hens and I watched it, surprise, surprise, it isn’t very good, it’s everything you think it’s going to be, they’ve learned nothing from the previous entries, the acting is no better or worse, the dialogue is no better or worse, the sex scenes are still oddly safe and dull, I’m grateful they didn’t do what I was afraid they would do, which is split the last book into two parts (thank Satan), so this is definitely going to be the last one, they made their impact on pop culture (as embarrassing as it is), good for them, well done, E. L. James – see you in hell *joke*; goodbye.

I still have to explain why don’t I? UGGGHHH! I’ll be honest, I was pretty embarrassed going in, despite this being the third one I’ve seen in the cinema, I’m really not sure why, I dunno, something happens to you when you willingly go to see a film like this; anyway. This time around the empty moron Anastasia Steele has gone and married the creepy stalker Christian Grey at the beginning of the film and from there – stuff happens, which is exactly what I said in my review of the second one, these two idiots do “stuff”, they have sex, do stuff, look at houses, do stuff, drive a car, do stuff; blah blah blah.

I’m not just hating on the movie because that’s the trendy thing to do, this thing really is legitimately bad, it fails to earn its reputation for being taboo and instead lives up to one for specific badness, that and, for the third time around, it’s hard to provide an entertaining review when it’s all just the same sh*t as last time; it’s like trying to review a transformers movie. The acting is bad, I do feel sympathy for the actors, they’re working with hideous dialogue and unrealistic characters, bless ‘em because they certainly try their hardest; but it just doesn’t work.

Any semblance of a plot comes about when Anna’s sex pest boss from the second film shows up from time to time to cause trouble, now there’s an attempt at a twist with this character which I’m just going to spoil because I’m in a bad mood, it turns out that the boss and Christian Grey were in the same foster care together as children and the boss is angry at Grey because HE wanted to be the one chosen to live with an impossibly rich family. Yup, the designated villain has a grudge against Grey because he wasn’t chosen to undergo a silver spoon enema, the fact that there’s not even a hint at this in part 2 when he first showed up makes it all feel like a tact on after thought when they realised there wasn’t enough excitement for the big climax; also doesn’t change the fact that is one of the most absurd twists in recent years.

If you want to know why I’m giving it the same score as last time – a generous 3, it’s because, once again, I’m not enraged by this movie, I’m not ready to tear my hair out, this series is not the worst thing I’ve ever seen, it’s just colossally meh. Fifty Shades Freed is probably the most unintentionally hilarious of the three; it’s not the most boring, although it is boring, it’s not the most pointless, although it is pointless but I would definitely say it’s the funniest. I almost hurt myself trying not to laugh when Mr. Grey confronts his new bride in her office and gets deeply emotionally hurt by the fact that she hasn’t changed her name in her email address from Steele to Grey, and what about the scene where she tells him that she’s (spoiler alert) pregnant, he full on flips out and it’s supposed to be engaging but it is just so damn funny!

The unintentional humour almost makes it worth a watch so yeah, a generous three sounds ok to me, aside from that though, this movie just doesn’t work, not the performances, not the toilet paper that is the script, not the televisual cinematography or Hallmark quality direction – nothing. Sam Taylor Johnson was trying to conjure something interesting out of the first one but E. L. James just wouldn’t let her do it and James Foley, the director of the next two, functions only as a tool, they just needed somebody to direct principal photography but really he’s just a chess piece to be told what to do by E. L. James and as a result we have some very cheap looking trash.

I am done, I can’t talk about it any more, it’s not the worst thing ever, it’s just bland and meh and rubbish, it’s the third time around I’ve had to say this but now we can finally put it to rest, Fifty Shades Freed is a boring and badly made film with some entertaining unintentional humour and that’s all I have to say; thank the high heavens that we don’t yet know when they plan on doing a reboot of some kind or even movie adaptations of the rehash books from Grey’s perspective.

Phil’s 2018 Preview & Look Back At 2017 Predictions…

Phil’s 2018 Preview & Look Back At 2017 Predictions…

Quick Review Year In Review

Phil’s Quick look at what’s wetting his whistle for the upcoming year in films…

Well 2017 saw Marvel driver big and DC retain it’s patchy record.  Horror stood out overall as most of the big Blockbusters fell short.  2018 has the promise to be even more mixed… so here’s the films I’m most looking forward to in 2017. And a few that I’d be happy to miss.

 

 

 

Most Excited:  Avengers: Infinity War
Like it or not this is the biggest film of the year and whilst I have reservations (Age Of Ultron wasn’t great and the trailer did little for this latest instalment did little for me) BUT Marvel have been building to this for over 10 years and with the talent involved both on screen and off this could be a once in a life time film.  Or Justice League Mark 2. Time will tell.

 

 

2. Deadpool 2
The original Deadpool was brilliant and by all accounts if the trailer is anything to go by this could be as good if not better.  Enter Cable to the X-Men universe and with all the returning faces from part one Deadpool could be the last great 18 rated film Fox makes if the merger with Disney goes ahead.

 

 

 

3. Black Panther
Marvel bring a more unconventional Superhero tale to the screen, and with an excellent trailer and Marvel’s near flawless 2017 record this has the ability to be something quiet special indeed.

 

4. Bohemian Rhapsody
Yes it’s had production issues and yes Singer isn’t a nice guy but with Dexter Fletcher taking over and with Queens backing this could be the film about the great Freddie Mercury that we have ALL been wait for.

 

5.  The Incredibles 2
The Incredibles was, er, Incredible and this belated sequel looks like it could be another smash hit for Pixar.  Lets just hope its more Toy Story 2 than Cars 2.

 

Bubbling Under: Tomb Raider (Good Trailer, great cast), Ant Man & The Wasp (Ant Man was great fun), The Predator (Shane Black + Predator = Hell Yes!), Mission Impossible 6 (These films tend to always be fun), The Happytime Murders (Brian Henson + Muppets = Heaven), The Purge: Island (LOVE the Purge Films), The Irishman (Scorsese teams with DeNiro & Pacino), Halloween (New sequel that ignores previous. With Carpenter’s blessing AND music)

 

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Stinker Of The Year: Fifty Shades Freed
Yes I’ve watched BOTH Fifty Shades movies.  And yes BOTH have previously taken the WORST FILM of the year titles. Look this franchise has nothing.  Poor acting, poor direction and poor writing topped off with S&M so softcore you could see harder on Babestation. Thankfully this will bring this torrid series to an end and hopefully the careers of all involved.


Also Dreading: Solo – A Star Wars Story
 (fired directors, Ron Howard, total reshoots – this could be the first Disney Star Wars flop), Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom  (Boring trailer and a sense of having done this before), Day of The Dead: Bloodline (please no), Ready Player One (Spielberg hasn’t made a truly interesting film for a while), X-Men: Dark Phoenix (X-Men films just don’t grab me anymore), Oceans 8 (Just WHY!), Scarface (Urban Scarface remake….a film NOBODY asked for), Pacific Rim: Uprising (God no)

 

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So how did I do last year?

 

This is the time of the year when I look back at my picks of the good, the bad and the ugly from 2017 and see how close I was (or as it often is the case, how far!)…

 

For best: I tipped  Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, Star Wars The Last Jedi, War For The Planet Of The Apes, T2: Trainspotting and John Wick Chapter 2 as my most anticipated of 2017.  Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 was good but eclipsed by both Spiderman Homecoming and Thor Ragnorok.   War For The Planet Of The Apes was good but fell a bit short of the rave reviews it was given. T2: Trainspotting was one of my top 5 films of the year (and film of the year for almost half of 2017) whilst John Wick 2 was a bit shit. Star Wars The last Jedi meanwhile.  As for the rest?  Silence, Spiderman: Homecoming, Alien: Covenant and Baywatch were all either great or enjoyable.

 

As for the Stinkers? Transformers: The Last Knight was picked as the stinker of the year but eventually was pipped by Fifty Shades Darker. Both were appalling. Wonder Woman was actually mostly excellent, Blade Runner 2049 ended up as one of teh years best and Logan knocked it out the park. XXX: Return Of Xander Cage was dumb fun but The Mummy, Power Rangers and Cars 3 all were in the worst of the year.

 

So here’s to 2017… see you again next year!

Phil’s Top 5… 2018 Films I’d Rather Weren’t being made

Phil’s Top 5… 2018 Films I’d Rather Weren’t being made

Other Cr*p Top 5

Each week Phil, from Phil’s Quick Capsule Review, takes a look at a different movie or TV related Top Five.  This time out: 2018 Films I’d Rather Weren’t being made

 

Close but no cigar: Halloween, X-Men: New Mutants, Robin Hood: Origins, Oceans 8, Bad Boys for Life

 

5 – Pacific Rim: Uprising
The original Pacific Rim did nothing for me and the recently released trailer for this sequel excites me even less, especially as DelToro is not directing.

 

4 – Scarface
With it’s director now departed, this Urban Scarface remake lost it’s one appealing element.  Pachino’s Scarface (itself a remake) is so seminal that this second remake just feels little more than a very belated cash grab.

 

3 – Tyler Perry’s A Madea Family Funeral
Madea is a franchise that offers nothing. Nothing. The fact that the films still are being made helps me further question the brain power of those who continue to feed the machine

 

2 – Bumblebee
The original Transformers was ace.  Since then the films have quickly become everything that is bad about modern filmmaking. The last thing the word needs is a spin off.

 

1 – Fifty Shades Freed
Fifty Shades Darker was the worst film of 2017 so far.  Fifty Shades of Grey was the worst film of last year. Fifty Shades Freed could break a Quick Review record of delivering three consecutive years of worst films.  Even Transformers hasn’t managed that.