Sharknado Week: Sharknado – A Quick Capsule Review

Sharknado Week: Sharknado – A Quick Capsule Review

Quick Review

Phil’s Quick Capsule Review:
Sharknado. Yes. Shark-bloody-nado. Hell I have ZERO idea what I can say about this film other than if you think the title sounds silly then this is a film you will hate with an extreme passion.  If like me the title sounds all manor of awesome, then there’s a lot to love in this knowingly cheesy, cheap as chips, barking mad Sharks in a tornado movie. For everyone else, I’d probably recommend avoiding this. Genius.  Mad genius.

Best Bit: Chainsaw + Shark = Fun

Rent, Borrow, Buy, Stream: Buy

If you liked this try: Ghost Shark (UR); Sand Shark  (UR); MegaShark vs Crockosaurus (UR)

Rating: 

Author: Phil Hobden

 

 

 

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Worst Film of 2014: Transformers Age Of Extinction

Worst Film of 2014: Transformers Age Of Extinction

Best & Worst Quick Review

Phil’s Quick Capsule Review:
Wow.  If you thought, like me, that Michael Bay and the Transformers franchise couldn’t get any worse that it’s dire third entry, think again.  Welcome to Transformers Age Of Extinction , a film that plunges new depths of shite.

The story? Well to be honest I have no idea.  It’s about things. And noise. And stuff.  None of which I cared about.

So… I guess you want to know just why is it so bad?  Well other than the obvious (it’s Michael Bay), TransNearFourHours is a film that manages to get almost every single thing it does wrong.   It’s a film where product placement (Victoria Secret, Bud Light etc, etc,etc) takes priority over, well, everything else , a film where Transformium (yes Transformium) manages to reduce the once very cool idea of Talking Robots in disguise to Midichlorian levels of dumb, a film where statuary rape justification and underage sex jokes are perfectly fine and a film where a near 3 hour run time (thats longer than Goodfellas for the record) seems to exist just to fit in more shots of near underage girls in short shorts, Marky Mark saying “Whoa”… a lot or visual artists spunking CGI on the screen. In years to come THIS will be what interrogation experts use to break terrorists.

It’s destruction porn once again as director (nay movie pornographer) Michael Bay delivers his raison d’être to seemingly both visually and audibly rape you for near 3 hours with a that film leaches from one boring CGI action scene to, well, another boring CGI action scene, where you can see so little because of its over editing and where so much is thrown at you, you end up becoming so numb that tooth extraction or minor surgery could well be done without any addition form of additional anaesthetic.  Yup, what you end up with (other than a headache, a numb arse, a near £15 hole in your wallet if you were mad enough to pay to see this and the sense of loosing 3 hours of your life you will never reclaim) is probably the worst film of 2014.  Yup worse than Legend Of Hercules AND Need for Speed.  Put together.

In fact we could have our No1 contender for worst film of the decade.

Is it all bad?  No.  Few things are.  For example it lacks the casual and quite disturbing racism of part 2 (or was it part 3?  Or do I even care?), neither Rosie Huntington-Pouty or Megan Fox’s sulky face turn up and in my book any film that doesn’t feature Shia LaDouche instantly makes it a step up on any film that does.  But that’s where the good news ends… with its shoddy performances, a script with first draft level dialogue and a story that manages to fuck up the coolest Transformer ever created (Yes Grimlock, not that he’s even named in the film or even gets to speak), all you end up with is $200+ million dollars of the most inept filmmaking ever seen on the big screen.  And considering Bay’s track record that’s quite some achievement.

Boring. Forgettable. Stupid. If it managed to be just one of those it would be ten times better.  No what we get is loud, amoeba smart and such a horrible experience that it will haunt me every time I shut my eyes.

Yet it’s made hundreds upon hundreds of millions of dollars in box office receipts and has a fifth film already green lit (thankfully one Bay has said he WONT direct) … so, hey, what the hell do I know.  Maybe I just don’t get it.  Because, hell, enough people seem to.  Personally I like to think it was something else however…  something akin to a road crash where, despite the fact you know you shouldn’t, you go look anyway.    Yes that will be it.  Because near $1 billion of box office would otherwise mean the world is full of people so dumb that, we as a species, truly are screwed.

Transformium.  For fuck sake.

Best Bit: Prime riding Grimlock is pretty cool.  But it was also in the trailer so just watch that instead.

Buy, Rent, Stream, Borrow: I downloaded a Chinese subtitled version.  Even then I felt ripped off.

If You Liked this Try Battleship.  Or Transformers 3.  You’ll love them.  For everyone else… watch ANYTHING else.  Literally ANYTHING.

 

Author: Phil Hobden

Blog: Need For Speed – A Quick Capsule Review

Blog: Need For Speed – A Quick Capsule Review

Quick Review

Phil’s Quick Capsule Review:
Wow.  From a career high with Breaking Bad, to what will undoubtedly be a career low with Need For Speed.  That’s not bad in just a few short months. It’s not just that Need For Speed is boring, it manages to make car racing around streets dull.  And that’s no mean feat. Add to that a criminal lack of regard for civilians, meaning this not just a chore to watch but also morally dubious to boot.   Time to move on me thinks…

Best Bit: At least the car chases are done mostly without CGI.

Buy, Rent, Stream, Borrow: Borrow.

If You Liked this Try: The Fast & The Furious, Gone in 60 Seconds, Fast 5

 

Author: Phil Hobden

Blog: Film Transformers Age Of Extinction – A (Not So) Quick Capsule Review

Blog: Film Transformers Age Of Extinction – A (Not So) Quick Capsule Review

Quick Review

Phil’s Quick Capsule Review:
Wow.  If you thought, like me, that Michael Bay and the Transformers franchise couldn’t get any worse that it’s dire third entry, think again.  Welcome to Transformers Age Of Extinction , a film that plunges new depths of shite.

The story? Well to be honest I have no idea.  It’s about things. And noise. And stuff.  None of which I cared about.

So… I guess you want to know just why is it so bad?  Well other than the obvious (it’s Michael Bay), TransNearFourHours is a film that manages to get almost every single thing it does wrong.   It’s a film where product placement (Victoria Secret, Bud Light etc, etc,etc) takes priority over, well, everything else , a film where Transformium (yes Transformium) manages to reduce the once very cool idea of Talking Robots in disguise to Midichlorian levels of dumb, a film where statuary rape justification and underage sex jokes are perfectly fine and a film where a near 3 hour run time (thats longer than Goodfellas for the record) seems to exist just to fit in more shots of near underage girls in short shorts, Marky Mark saying “Whoa”… a lot or visual artists spunking CGI on the screen. In years to come THIS will be what interrogation experts use to break terrorists.

It’s destruction porn once again as director (nay movie pornographer) Michael Bay delivers his raison d’être to seemingly both visually and audibly rape you for near 3 hours with a that film leaches from one boring CGI action scene to, well, another boring CGI action scene, where you can see so little because of its over editing and where so much is thrown at you, you end up becoming so numb that tooth extraction or minor surgery could well be done without any addition form of additional anaesthetic.  Yup, what you end up with (other than a headache, a numb arse, a near £15 hole in your wallet if you were mad enough to pay to see this and the sense of loosing 3 hours of your life you will never reclaim) is probably the worst film of 2014.  Yup worse than Legend Of Hercules AND Need for Speed.  Put together.

In fact we could have our No1 contender for worst film of the decade.

Is it all bad?  No.  Few things are.  For example it lacks the casual and quite disturbing racism of part 2 (or was it part 3?  Or do I even care?), neither Rosie Huntington-Pouty or Megan Fox’s sulky face turn up and in my book any film that doesn’t feature Shia LaDouche instantly makes it a step up on any film that does.  But that’s where the good news ends… with its shoddy performances, a script with first draft level dialogue and a story that manages to fuck up the coolest Transformer ever created (Yes Grimlock, not that he’s even named in the film or even gets to speak), all you end up with is $200+ million dollars of the most inept filmmaking ever seen on the big screen.  And considering Bay’s track record that’s quite some achievement.

Boring. Forgettable. Stupid. If it managed to be just one of those it would be ten times better.  No what we get is loud, amoeba smart and such a horrible experience that it will haunt me every time I shut my eyes.

Yet it’s made hundreds upon hundreds of millions of dollars in box office receipts and has a fifth film already green lit (thankfully one Bay has said he WONT direct) … so, hey, what the hell do I know.  Maybe I just don’t get it.  Because, hell, enough people seem to.  Personally I like to think it was something else however…  something akin to a road crash where, despite the fact you know you shouldn’t, you go look anyway.    Yes that will be it.  Because near $1 billion of box office would otherwise mean the world is full of people so dumb that, we as a species, truly are screwed.

Transformium.  For fuck sake.

Best Bit: Prime riding Grimlock is pretty cool.  But it was also in the trailer so just watch that instead.

Buy, Rent, Stream, Borrow: I downloaded a Chinese subtitled version.  Even then I felt ripped off.

If You Liked this Try Battleship.  Or Transformers 3.  You’ll love them.  For everyone else… watch ANYTHING else.  Literally ANYTHING.

 

Author: Phil Hobden

Blog: The Legend Of Hercules – A Quick Capsule Review

Blog: The Legend Of Hercules – A Quick Capsule Review

Quick Review

Phil’s Quick Capsule Review:
Every now and then a film comes along that’s so laughably bad that you kinda wonder if it was made as a joke.  Sadly whilst The Legend Of Hercules is just that film, it’s painfully clear that everyone involved truly thought they were making Gladiator. From it’s sub-soap opera acting to it’s fag paper story, it leaches from one epically bad moment to the next.  Sadly not so bad it’s good… it’s so bad it’s just horrid. One to avoid.  The 2nd worst film of 2014 so far.

Best Bit: Scott Adkins

Buy, Rent, Stream, Borrow: Stream

If You Liked this Try: Hercules, Pompeii, Gladiator

 

Author: Phil Hobden

Blog: The Other Woman- A Quick Capsule Review

Quick Review

Phil’s Quick Capsule Review:
Any film that manages to be both spectacularly unfunny and deeply reprehensible at the same time is no mean feat.  Well The Other Woman manages that AS WELL as well as just being a poorly scripted, badly directed mess.  Sadly when it finally hits funny note or two (the punishment of the man in question) it dives past it within seconds, returning back to it’s stream of unfunny cliches. Trust me when I say, I’m not feminist but The Other Woman has just put back the woman’s movement almost 20 years.  Just terrible.

Best Bit: Yeah.  Jog on.

Buy, Rent, Stream, Borrow: Burn.  Literally.  Every copy.

If You Liked this Try: Boil your head.

 

Author: Phil Hobden

Review: Jamesy Boy (DVD/BR) Import

Review: Jamesy Boy (DVD/BR) Import

All Things Film Blog Other Cr*p Uncategorized

The Review: … and now we’ve found the year’s worst picture. To be fair, though, this story of a young juvenile yo-yoing in and out of state penitentiary since the age of eight was probably never going to score too well, even if it had a remarkable cast and crew. Jamesy Boy doesn’t even have that; newcomer director and cowriter Trevor White, and fellow “scribe” Lane Shadgett, clearly can’t write and direct with any material.

Spencer LoFranco – again, who knew? – plays James, or Jamesy (as he’s christened by his new found pimp – runs errands for the local gangster dealing drugs and doing all sorts of naughty things. His mum, played by Mary Louise Parker, is an utter skank who’s thrown responsibility out of the window a long time ago. James wanders up the ranks of this Early Learning Centre underworld from “droog” to “fuck knuckle” (my terms, not theirs) after intervening in a house raid, but winds up in pen once again for… God knows what.

It seems everyone in the movie (and quite possibly outside of it) has mild learning difficulties. I’m sure that’s not the filmmaker’s intention, here. LoFranco sucks cock as the lead – resembling as he does a teenager Suggs from Madness, chewing and licking his lips as if trying to ingest the script lines literally. The other players fair less well; Rosa Salazar plays Crystal and does her best not to snap an eyeful of the camera lense. Something called Taboo plays one of the Mexican inmates who stabs a geek in the showers. None of that is particularly convincing nor engaging. Then there’s Vera Farmiga’s younger sister who emerges relatively unscathed as the store owner’s daughter who eventually will play a huge part in reforming the unreformable James. Ving Rhames is the Morgan Freeman “Red” character of the piece; a multiple murderer who Jamesy naturally takes on as his mentor. Rhames bangs on about Rio de Janeiro. Jamesy will pronounce the “Janeiro” part wrong, and Rhames will correct him in a later scene.

The entire movie smacks of a fifteen year-old thinking he’s clever and writing and directing a coming-out-of-prison-age drama. It comes across as extremely dense and verbose; this could be a TV movie. A cable TV movie. James Woods plays the prison warden figure. Yeah, he looks as embarrassed to be here as much as we do. It’s rare you get to see an ensemble miscast as wide as this one – if you’re feeling a bit narcissistic then you may want to sit through a part of it to remind you just how intelligent you actually are.

Why do these impressionable youngsters end up in chokey, anyway? The film seems to suggest it’s the lack of a parental figure – but that attaining one in the slammer is the next best thing. Really? Maybe it’s down to a lack of education. In the film’s sole worthy scene (and that compliment is relative, you understand) early on, the head teacher of a school rattles off a list of reasons why this fourteen year-old ex-con can’t become a student. Mum drags him out and tells him it’ll be okay. I’m not a parent, but I do know that life will suck for this poor sod from now on – not least because the fucker playing him can’t act his way out of a paper toilet roll.

So, want more proof? Okay, here’s my final kick to the head: the opening tells us this is based on a true story. Allow me one better; it’s probably based on scores of true stories. However, the closing card helpfully informs us that James “… studied writing and poetry at Borough of Manhattan Community College and hopes to continue his highter education”. Re-read that sentence again.

No, I have not misspelled that word in the sentence and – no – the irony of the mistake is lost on me. And only when it is not lost on this nitwit who’s spent the past years trying to defrock his criminal past to pursue a career in literary excellence, will I start to give an actual shit about them.

 

Reviewed By: Andrew Mackay

Join the debate on our Facebook Group (www.facebook.com/groups/Filmsploitation) or on our website (www.thefilmpodcast.co.uk)

Sharknado: A Quick Capsule Review

Sharknado: A Quick Capsule Review

Quick Review

Phil’s Quick Capsule Review:
Hell I have ZERO idea what I can say about this film other than if you think the title sounds silly then this is a film you will hate.  If like me the title sounds all manor of awesome, then there’s a lot to love in this knowingly cheesy, cheap as chips, barking made Sharks in a tornado movie. For everyone else, I’d probably recommend avoiding this like sensible should do with a film called… Sharknado!

Best Bit: Chainsaw + Shark = Fun

Rent, Borrow, Buy, Stream: Buy

IMDB Rating:  or 

If you liked this try: Ghost Shark (UR); Sand Shark  (UR); MegaShark vs Crockosaurus (UR)

Review: Texas Chainsaw 3D (DVD/BR)

Review: Texas Chainsaw 3D (DVD/BR)

Uncategorized

The Review:  Wow.  That was pointless.  If you took scream out of the horror genre completely, forgot Cabin In The Woods was ever made and went back to the days where poor effects, girls running around in tight tops screaming and a general sense of deja vu was common place you still wouldn’t quite get to how mind numbingly dull this film is.

A direct sequel to the original Chainsaw (which forgets the pretty rubbish parts 2,3, Next Generation, Deep Chainsaw 9 and Texas Chainsaw Voyager or whatever the other films were called not to mention the remake and the prequel remake) , it picks up moments later with a cast that look nothing like the originals getting killed by a bunch or rednecks (oddly how does the Leatherface mask look WORSE in this film than in did in the micro-budgeted original?). .Jump forward several years and the last survivor (a baby) inherits a house that for some reason is massively more expensive looking that a family like this could ever afford.  She goes to collect her inheritance with some friends and guess what?  Leatherface didn’t die.  He’s in the cellar.

If that plot description sounds rather dull and lifeless, welcome to Texas Chainsaw 3D – one of the most dull and lifeless horror films I’ve seen in sometime.

I wasn’t a massive fan or the original film – all screaming and shouting.  The sequels weren’t much better.  The remake was terrible and the remake prequel no better.  But I can at least understand why people loved Tobe Hooper so much.  It was visceral, raw, brutal.  This is none of those.

Acted with all the finesse of a bad high school play and directed by someone who wouldn’t be amiss making camcorder films based on a kickstarter campaign, this film even drops the ball on the hohum SFX moments.  Wow.  Someone gets chopped in half by a chainsaw.

Sorry I SAW did that better

Hand chopped off? Yeah seen that a million times.

Chainsaw vs Crowbar?  Fuck you – Denis Hopper vs Leather face in a chainsaw vs chainsaw battle kicks it’s arse (one of the few TCM 2 highlights).

There is just NOTHING to care about here.  Plusses?  The ending’s quite nice (if totally unbelievable) and at least it has the decency to not run any longer than about 85mins.

Other than that?  Nothing.  Zip.

Oh I watched this in 2D but have been told that the 3D adds nothing and in fact makes the film even worse.

Second worse film of the year so far…

Reviewed By: Phil Hobden

Join the debate on our Facebook Group (www.facebook.com/groups/Filmsploitation) or on our website (www.thefilmpodcast.co.uk)