Phil’s Quick Capsule Review:
Wow. If you thought, like me, that Michael Bay and the Transformers franchise couldn’t get any worse that it’s dire third entry, think again. Welcome to Transformers Age Of Extinction , a film that plunges new depths of shite.
The story? Well to be honest I have no idea. It’s about things. And noise. And stuff. None of which I cared about.
So… I guess you want to know just why is it so bad? Well other than the obvious (it’s Michael Bay), TransNearFourHours is a film that manages to get almost every single thing it does wrong. It’s a film where product placement (Victoria Secret, Bud Light etc, etc,etc) takes priority over, well, everything else , a film where Transformium (yes Transformium) manages to reduce the once very cool idea of Talking Robots in disguise to Midichlorian levels of dumb, a film where statuary rape justification and underage sex jokes are perfectly fine and a film where a near 3 hour run time (thats longer than Goodfellas for the record) seems to exist just to fit in more shots of near underage girls in short shorts, Marky Mark saying “Whoa”… a lot or visual artists spunking CGI on the screen. In years to come THIS will be what interrogation experts use to break terrorists.
It’s destruction porn once again as director (nay movie pornographer) Michael Bay delivers his raison d’être to seemingly both visually and audibly rape you for near 3 hours with a that film leaches from one boring CGI action scene to, well, another boring CGI action scene, where you can see so little because of its over editing and where so much is thrown at you, you end up becoming so numb that tooth extraction or minor surgery could well be done without any addition form of additional anaesthetic. Yup, what you end up with (other than a headache, a numb arse, a near £15 hole in your wallet if you were mad enough to pay to see this and the sense of loosing 3 hours of your life you will never reclaim) is probably the worst film of 2014. Yup worse than Legend Of Hercules AND Need for Speed. Put together.
In fact we could have our No1 contender for worst film of the decade.
Is it all bad? No. Few things are. For example it lacks the casual and quite disturbing racism of part 2 (or was it part 3? Or do I even care?), neither Rosie Huntington-Pouty or Megan Fox’s sulky face turn up and in my book any film that doesn’t feature Shia LaDouche instantly makes it a step up on any film that does. But that’s where the good news ends… with its shoddy performances, a script with first draft level dialogue and a story that manages to fuck up the coolest Transformer ever created (Yes Grimlock, not that he’s even named in the film or even gets to speak), all you end up with is $200+ million dollars of the most inept filmmaking ever seen on the big screen. And considering Bay’s track record that’s quite some achievement.
Boring. Forgettable. Stupid. If it managed to be just one of those it would be ten times better. No what we get is loud, amoeba smart and such a horrible experience that it will haunt me every time I shut my eyes.
Yet it’s made hundreds upon hundreds of millions of dollars in box office receipts and has a fifth film already green lit (thankfully one Bay has said he WONT direct) … so, hey, what the hell do I know. Maybe I just don’t get it. Because, hell, enough people seem to. Personally I like to think it was something else however… something akin to a road crash where, despite the fact you know you shouldn’t, you go look anyway. Yes that will be it. Because near $1 billion of box office would otherwise mean the world is full of people so dumb that, we as a species, truly are screwed.
Transformium. For fuck sake.
Best Bit: Prime riding Grimlock is pretty cool. But it was also in the trailer so just watch that instead.
Buy, Rent, Stream, Borrow: I downloaded a Chinese subtitled version. Even then I felt ripped off.
If You Liked this Try Battleship. Or Transformers 3. You’ll love them. For everyone else… watch ANYTHING else. Literally ANYTHING.
Author: Phil Hobden