Another ghastly year on this spherical clump of crap we call a planet closes up shop while we all desperately try not to think about how quickly it said it’s bye-byes and left without finishing its coffee, further making us dread how fast the rest of our lives could very well cut to credits as inspired by Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Anyway enough sunshine and lolly pops, here’s my roundup of 2018, as if it’s a year for film we actually want to look back on but what can I do?
I mean this was a dull one wasn’t it? How many of the year’s most anticipated like Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom left everyone with little more than a shrug, in fact I’ll go even further, you wanna know how bad this year was? I didn’t have any room for Fifty Shades Freed even on my dishonourable mentions! The infamous leather-clad climax of boring McMimzie girl’s dumbass relationship with abusive-o billionaire managed to escape via human shields with the films I felt were somehow WORSE.
Let’s start with the favourites:
Top Ten Best
Silly and stupid can often mean good just as much as bad, and there are different spectrums for every type of filmic goodness, point being: if deliberately stupid and bonkers popcorn entertainment could a masterpiece in its own right – Aquaman would be it; well done DCEU, I liked you before you were cool.
Not a pleasant movie to watch at times, but on top of simply being aligned with my own personal taste for trippy weirdness, any film that’s truthful and direct about how stupid masses of human beings can be and how irredeemably amoral we are as a species is ok by me.
You want to know something, I actually rather liked this more than the original, sure there’s some stuff that didn’t need to be there story-wise but the filmmaking on display here just tickled me pink, every shot you see exists one helluva freaky personality, the style rocked and there’s plenty of scenes I think I’m going to remember for a long time; and that last act… oh my heavens!
This movie is so… damn… funny! It’s pretty well made too, so from my perspective it only did its job well and then some, a successful exercise in classy tastelessness that brought forth the filth without forgetting to have a heart for cuteness sake.
What did I say about films aligned with my own personal taste for trippy weirdness? What it has appeared to be a good year for seems to be the crazy ones, the bonkers beasts, the hallucinogenic journeys into the unknown and Mandy ticked all those boxes, Nic Cage back to what he’s good at; please tell me this is only the beginning.
Im not surprised that, in today’s political climate, a film that doesn’t explicitly show a flag being planted into the moon gets labelled “unpatriotic” by attention seeking shoulda-been-abortions, but who cares about them, this was one of the most powerful and engaging and extremely well made/best looking movies of the year, seriously, this is the best Neil Armstrong movie that could be made.
A Quiet Place
Wasn’t a bad year for horror either now that I think about it, nice to have it back, boasting a premise so good it almost should’ve been disappointing (this is not a perfect world after all) A Quiet Place beat multiple odds and executed, not just its brilliant gimmick, but just plain good filmmaking, almost like Krazinski himself suffered the epidemic of bad horror films these past few years and took it upon himself to make things right, I wonder what he’ll do next.
Isle of dogs
Before seeing the next two this was my pick for film of the year for a while, talk about the style being the same as the substance, just like Deadpool this film earns its place by simply doing its job really well, a job other films prove doing so is rather tricky, it’s both well made and really-really funny, yes Mr Anderson, I do indeed love dogs, also the animation, the jokes and a million other things.
I’ll just say it, Spike Lee sounds like a bit of a dick, but this joint just rules, not only is it nostalgically stylish and thought provoking beyond preparation but it couldn’t have come out at a better time, when there’s a childish racist KKK defending fat loser (don’t deny it) in the Whitehouse the cockroaches feel safe coming out from under their rocks to go public with their backwards-as-hell views and it’s up to films like this to shock the rest of us with brains into maybe doing something about it.
The miseducation Of Cameron Post
And what an absolute gem this is, winning the top prize as my pick for film of 2018 not just for being the best film, I think, both functionally and aesthetically but because of its success in executing a theme very important to me personally, modern religion rarely proves itself anything more than a blatantly irrational imaginary right to oppress the current minority group of the day! It was used to argue for slavery once upon a time, against interracial marriage after that and now they’re calling for the gays to either convert or die; it’s up to tear jerking and wonderfully heart warming movies like this to slap those backwards fools in the face so we can maybe start working harder towards greater worldly empathy among humankind – not that fundamentalists know anything about empathy, kindness or morality but oh well.
Honourable mentions that didn’t make the cut:
Mission Impossible: Fallout
Avengers: Infinity War
A Star Is Born
The Old Man And The Gun
Sicario 2: Soldado
Notable Netflix Release:
Annihilation (I didn’t love Roma as much as everyone else it seems)
Best films that came out in 2018 but IMDB counts as 2017 releases for some reason:
The Shape Of Water
Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri
You Were Never Really Here
Brawl In Cell Block 99
First They Killed My Father
Best Trailers For 2018 Releases:
Aquaman Final Trailer
Sicario 2 First Teaser & Third Trailer
Creed 2 Second Trailer
Mission Impossible: Fallout Official Trailer
Deadpool 2 Final Trailer
A Quiet Place Teaser
Black Panther Official Trailer
Isle Of Dogs Official Trailer
Most Anticipated Film Of 2019
Godzilla: King Of The Monsters
Aquaman: “Dad”? That’s your kid? – shame on you.
Isle Of Dogs: To the north, a long rickety causeway over a noxious sludge marsh leading to a radioactive landfill polluted by toxic chemical garbage, that’s our destination, get ready to jump.
Creed 2: Is good picture.
Avengers: You should have gone for the head.
Deadpool 2: Scout master Kevin?
Ready Player One: it’s fucking Chucky!
Blockers: these aren’t made for comfort, they’re made for speed.
Susperia: They’ll hollow me out and eat my cunt on a plate.
Christopher Robin: People say nothing is impossible but I do nothing every day.
Rampage: Of course the wolf flies.
Sicario 2: Different way to fire a gun.
Game Night: Amateur Bullet Removal.
Aquaman: Arthur vs Orm 2nd round.
Creed 2: Drago embraces his son.
Bohemian Rhapsody: Live Aid.
Infinity War: “I don’t want to go”.
A star Is Born: first duet.
Fallout: Tom breaks his foot.
First Man: Spinning out of control.
Deadpool 2: opening credits.
Black Klansman: Charlottesville footage.
A Quiet Place: Cut to Black.
Solo: Darth Maul.
Susperia: Dance the twist.
Brawl In Cell Block 99: Face stomp.
Revenge: Glass removal.
Phantom Thread: “Where is Cyril”?
Now for the other end of the spectrum, the least fun half of an end of year review, the worst films of 2018, the cinematic experiences that make me question just what the hell I’m doing with my short time alive, but never mind, here they are; brace for impact!
Top Ten Worst
Talk about televisual, generic and boring!
Teen titans go to the movies
Heard it wasn’t that bad, it wasn’t, it was so much worse, the image of a twerking naked baby Superman will haunt me for years.
There’s a shot of the haunted mansion made entirely of CGI that starts as an unmoving frozen frame for a split second, now that’s lazy.
Romantic ensemble comedy with dogs, could be funny, could also be agonisingly dull and unoriginal.
How far the director of V For Vendetta has fallen, when characters in a life or death situation start saying “freaking” but their lip movement say a different four letter word – you know you don’t care.
Walk like a panther
Similar filmmaking standards to Pudsey The Dog… I am in hell.
The nutcracker and the four realms
The poor guy playing the title role will never work again if this is the best he can do, one of the few movies I’ve fallen asleep watching.
A wrinkle in time
I expected better of Ava Duvernay, also a movie less awkward, embarrassing and horribly acted but we all want things we can’t have, what an absolute cringe this thing is.
The pieces of camcorder crap I made at college were better than this, I understand the plight of the no budget filmmaker, but no money is no excuse for no effort, or the inclusion of every dialogue cliche that ever existed – EVER!
It was either gonna be The Necromancer or this, but Show Dogs won out because at least Necromancer isn’t a kids film containing a running gag about learning not to bite a guy whose job it is to fondle your genitals, that’s right kids, if someone wants to touch your bits then you should let them without complaint, would be bad enough just being one of the worst made films in existence but no, they had to go the extra mile into the inferno.
The strangers prey at night
The guernsey literary and potato peel pie…
The possession of Hannah grace
Truth or dare
Johnny English strikes again
Biggest disappointment I was actually looking forward to:
15:17 To Paris
And I suppose that’s it, so – Merry Christmas and all things in between, happy new year and see you in hell.
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