Fifty Shades Freed – Motion Picture Maniac

Fifty Shades Freed – Motion Picture Maniac

 

I’ve barely even started typing and I’m already tired of talking about this. Listen, people, this is the third Fifty Shades Of A Wasted Life, I went out there, I sat down in an auditorium full of giggling gangs of hens and I watched it, surprise, surprise, it isn’t very good, it’s everything you think it’s going to be, they’ve learned nothing from the previous entries, the acting is no better or worse, the dialogue is no better or worse, the sex scenes are still oddly safe and dull, I’m grateful they didn’t do what I was afraid they would do, which is split the last book into two parts (thank Satan), so this is definitely going to be the last one, they made their impact on pop culture (as embarrassing as it is), good for them, well done, E. L. James – see you in hell *joke*; goodbye.

I still have to explain why don’t I? UGGGHHH! I’ll be honest, I was pretty embarrassed going in, despite this being the third one I’ve seen in the cinema, I’m really not sure why, I dunno, something happens to you when you willingly go to see a film like this; anyway. This time around the empty moron Anastasia Steele has gone and married the creepy stalker Christian Grey at the beginning of the film and from there – stuff happens, which is exactly what I said in my review of the second one, these two idiots do “stuff”, they have sex, do stuff, look at houses, do stuff, drive a car, do stuff; blah blah blah.

I’m not just hating on the movie because that’s the trendy thing to do, this thing really is legitimately bad, it fails to earn its reputation for being taboo and instead lives up to one for specific badness, that and, for the third time around, it’s hard to provide an entertaining review when it’s all just the same sh*t as last time; it’s like trying to review a transformers movie. The acting is bad, I do feel sympathy for the actors, they’re working with hideous dialogue and unrealistic characters, bless ‘em because they certainly try their hardest; but it just doesn’t work.

Any semblance of a plot comes about when Anna’s sex pest boss from the second film shows up from time to time to cause trouble, now there’s an attempt at a twist with this character which I’m just going to spoil because I’m in a bad mood, it turns out that the boss and Christian Grey were in the same foster care together as children and the boss is angry at Grey because HE wanted to be the one chosen to live with an impossibly rich family. Yup, the designated villain has a grudge against Grey because he wasn’t chosen to undergo a silver spoon enema, the fact that there’s not even a hint at this in part 2 when he first showed up makes it all feel like a tact on after thought when they realised there wasn’t enough excitement for the big climax; also doesn’t change the fact that is one of the most absurd twists in recent years.

If you want to know why I’m giving it the same score as last time – a generous 3, it’s because, once again, I’m not enraged by this movie, I’m not ready to tear my hair out, this series is not the worst thing I’ve ever seen, it’s just colossally meh. Fifty Shades Freed is probably the most unintentionally hilarious of the three; it’s not the most boring, although it is boring, it’s not the most pointless, although it is pointless but I would definitely say it’s the funniest. I almost hurt myself trying not to laugh when Mr. Grey confronts his new bride in her office and gets deeply emotionally hurt by the fact that she hasn’t changed her name in her email address from Steele to Grey, and what about the scene where she tells him that she’s (spoiler alert) pregnant, he full on flips out and it’s supposed to be engaging but it is just so damn funny!

The unintentional humour almost makes it worth a watch so yeah, a generous three sounds ok to me, aside from that though, this movie just doesn’t work, not the performances, not the toilet paper that is the script, not the televisual cinematography or Hallmark quality direction – nothing. Sam Taylor Johnson was trying to conjure something interesting out of the first one but E. L. James just wouldn’t let her do it and James Foley, the director of the next two, functions only as a tool, they just needed somebody to direct principal photography but really he’s just a chess piece to be told what to do by E. L. James and as a result we have some very cheap looking trash.

I am done, I can’t talk about it any more, it’s not the worst thing ever, it’s just bland and meh and rubbish, it’s the third time around I’ve had to say this but now we can finally put it to rest, Fifty Shades Freed is a boring and badly made film with some entertaining unintentional humour and that’s all I have to say; thank the high heavens that we don’t yet know when they plan on doing a reboot of some kind or even movie adaptations of the rehash books from Grey’s perspective.

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