xXx: Return Of Xander Cage review – Motion Picture Maniac

xXx: Return Of Xander Cage review – Motion Picture Maniac

“Let me simplify it for you, kick some ass, get the girl, and try… to look dope while you’re doing it”

This, so called, “line” the great Samuel L. Jackson has the, ahem… honour of delivering at the end of xXx: Return Of Xander Cage, the third instalment to the Oscar winning Vin Diesel/Ice Cube action franchise, makes me laugh so damn hard when I hear it I almost rupture my chest cavity, very much like the rest of this effing film.

The story (oh God, story? Really?) Xander Cage, a tattooed extreme sportsman played by first place champion of the baldy grand national, second only to Bruce Willis and Jason Statham, Bin Petrol, er I mean Vin Diesel, didn’t actually die at the end of xXx 1 and instead faked his death so he could go live his life to the extreme, performing stunts that would cause hilarious injury if attempted by some nutter in real life, skating around, high fiving every 10 year-old in sight to promote some kind of child friendly persona to let parents know it’s ok for their kids to watch the fast and the furious films, fetching important life saving junk for the locals like a power supply so they can watch a football game and in return he gets to shag all the hotties they have to hand.

But this peaceful life of skating, jumping, defying death and bed breaking is interrupted by Toni Collette, a government person of some kind who needs him to go fetch some device with the power to cause satellites to drop out of the sky, stolen by Bruce Lee enthusiast – Donnie Yen. So Xander goes and assembles a team and blah blah blah, plot, plot, plot, do you care dear reader? Are you actually taking time out of your life to look up what some git like me is saying about the new xXx film because you really want to know what its plot entails?

This movie is atrocious, it’s absolutely God-awful, Vin Diesel couldn’t act his way out of a shallow grave, let alone an exploding plane, the script is utterly preposterous, the dialogue is just foul and the characters make walking talking cardboard cut-outs feel good about themselves. But you know what? I really enjoyed watching it, I must admit, I had something of a blast, I laughed at this thing from beginning to end, leading to an overall opinion that yes, as a film it really does suck and I really should hate it, but I didn’t; it was so bad it was brilliant, honestly, I found it completely hilarious.

Was I supposed to? Did the movie want to be taken as a joke, there doesn’t seem to be a serious bone in its body but there are also times it may have been trying to seem cool or hip, who the hell knows, all I do know is that this thing is completely ridiculous in every sense of the word, it’s dumb, it’s stupid and really just plain bad as far as proper filmmaking is concerned, but none of this stuff stopped me from having a good time with it, it’s really quite poor but I laughed myself into a coma, the stupid smirk didn’t leave my face even as I left the theatre.

From the trailer alone, one can deduce that this isn’t going to win any awards any time soon, except maybe a Razzie, but there was a sort of bottom of the barrel kind of hope I could find in preparation for my viewing of it, if it could just be laughable, dumb enough, stupid enough and Riddick-ulous enough to be funny, then maybe, just maybe I could enjoy it, and my oh my, expectations were met and then some, I was hoping I could laugh at it but not as hard as I ended up doing so.

Usually I would have more to say but not here, not this time, I mean what else is there? It’s not good at all, but if you want to watch something silly, unrealistic, badly written and hilarious, unintentional or not, then this is the film for you. Don’t mistake what I’m saying, xXx: Return Of Xander Cage is terrible, I cannot stress that enough but good lord did I have a blast; actual comedies haven’t made me laugh this hard.

 

Author: Jamie Robinson

A Blog Motion Picture Maniac
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