Mother’s Day – Motion Picture Maniac
Why don’t you just stick dynamite caked in cat crap through my letterbox and giggle as in explodes all over my hall, I mean why don’t you just do that, may as well, I mean if you’re going to make films as disgusting as crap covered dynamite then why not do it for real then eh?
Mother’s Day is the latest ensemble comedy in which various tangentially connected characters run around and get themselves into situations and shenanigans all the while trying to prepare for an important day of the year, first we had Valentines Day, then we had New Year’s Eve and now we have Mother’s Day, a day that isn’t anywhere near as colossal as, for example, Christmas, but you’d better believe the characters are going to treat it that way. Now I appreciate my mother, in fact I have her standing next to me as I write this because when I say Mother’s Day isn’t as important as Christmas, I sound like a male jackass, so I want her here next to me to approve of my choice of words because she agrees – Mother’s Day is not as important as Christmas, so why are the characters in this movie talking about it like its the day the troops come home? If you won’t take it from me, take it from an actual mother.
There’s no reason to beat about it any longer, this film is unspeakably awful, I found it legitimately painful to sit through and was embarrassed to be looking in its direction as it played. I feel inclined to say that realizing, at the end of principle photography, that the cap had been on the camera lens the whole time would have been less of an error in judgment and more of a blessing in disguise, it’s disturbingly bad, not because it’s so bad I am disturbed but rather because ensemble films about interconnected characters are never destined to be bad, there’s always some small amount of potential to work with but people like Garry Marshall can never seem to get them right, and the fact he keeps trying and failing every time is rather troubling.
The multiple stories this film juggles are horrifically pieced together, there’s no grace, no structure, no sense of clean segmentation, the stories all feel like they’ve been chopped up and thrown together randomly by a blind person, the problem isn’t that it jumps around too much, the problem is that it jumps around schizophrenically, it all feels sloppy and random and the results are suffocating. I lost count of the amount of times I checked my watch and prayed that I would gain the power to control time if I stared at it long enough, the majority of the film consists of characters basically doing stuff, talking about stuff, talking about doing stuff, things just happen as though the script is still being written while we’re watching it without any reason or thematic consistency.
The music is the worst offender when it comes to the film’s unbearably sappy and schmaltzy tone, it tries so hard to be “feel good”, happy, uplifting and cheerful that it already would have come across as nausea inducing the music really is the cherry on the top, it’s just a relentless drone of happiness that wants invigorate positive feelings but instead made me want to vomit. In fact I even tried covering my ears at a point when I couldn’t take or listen to it anymore, it worked for a minute before I realized how stupid I probably looked, the music was bad, unbelievably bad. The cinematography is worthy only of television, the individual stories are clichéd and unoriginal, the script, as a whole, talks down to its audience at every opportunity as random extras in the background literally tells you how to feel – “ooh that person is funny”, “aww that’s really cute”, “ooh that’s interesting” etc.
The cast is an interesting topic, members like Jennifer Aniston, Julia Roberts, Kate Hudson, Sarah Chalke and a few other people are clearly trying to make it work, they obviously care enough to try but the material is so unforgivably hideous that no one, not even the greatest actor in the world, could make this sound believable. As for the actors who couldn’t give a rat’s arse, holy hell, talk about painful to watch, Jack Whitehall is atrocious, he’s really difficult to behold and his line delivery is awful, the parents of these two sisters are walking stereotypes who annoyed me with every word out of their mouths, I wouldn’t complain if I wasn’t in pain. And speaking of the two sisters, we have about 5 stories going here, and of course it makes sense for some to be better than others, the one with the sisters being the most tolerable in my opinion.
The story with Jack Whitehall and his girlfriend absolutely sucks, we see comedy shows in which the audience laughs at moments that clearly aren’t the punch line (the result of bad editing), the story with Julia Roberts is utterly pointless, Jennifer Aniston and Jason Sudeikis’ story is bland and unoriginal but it’s the tale of the two sisters that had some potential to be funny, or at least interesting. Kate Hudson and Sarah Chalke play sisters, one married to an Indian Dr, the other married to a woman, and their incredibly racist, homophobic and plain old fashioned offensive parents are on their way to surprise them, that sounds like it could be funny, there’s potential there, two sisters, one married to an Indian man, the other a lesbian, about to be surprised by their redneck parents, that should be a goldmine, but the whole things is just bogged into the ground by horrible writing, hideous music, monotonous story telling and a pace so boring it would kill a snail.
I hate this movie, it plays things safe, has no reason to exist, has moments of literal agony and worst of all, you can’t even see it just to find out exactly how bad it is, just like Fifty Shades Of Black, it’s all bad and no fun, it’s not like Plan 9 From Outer Space or The Room where they’re so terrible you can watch them and be entertained, it’s just boring and rubbish. You know that scene in Hostel 2 in which Heather Matarazzo is hung from her ankles and slashed to death, yeah, that was me while watching this thing, run for dear life friends, as fast as you can.