Alvin and the Chipmunks: the Road Chip – Motion Picture Maniac
I want to start this review with a question – have you ever preferred the idea of dying rather than continuing to watch a film that made your ears bleed, eyes fall out and your entire understanding and comprehension of reality melt before you? I asked myself that question as I watched Alvin and the Chipmunks 4 the Road Chip, and my honest answer was that I would have preferred dying of poisoning after drinking the liquefied contents of a McDonald’s rubbish bin with extra urine than carry on watching it (I thought of this about a quarter way through). So I waited, waited for someone to walk into the screening room with the very rubbish bin I would rather devour than watch the movie playing before me, but no one ever came to my aid, no bin was provided for me to poison myself with so all I could do was continue to watch the movie.
Alas I have not seen the first 3 Alvin and the chipmunks movies and after seeing this one I have no intention to do so. This is a film that is so disturbingly wretched, badly made and abhorrent that I began to question the fabric of reality, how could anyone in their right mind come up with this film, how could they put it on paper, how could someone else read it and say “yes, I want to do that”, how could anyone approve it, how could anyone advertise it, and worst of all – how could anyone think this appropriate for the mental development of children? If you are a parent you have a responsibility to prevent your child from ever witnessing such an abomination, this film makes children dumb, it has the potential to damage their intellect, allowing them to see it would be considered child abuse.
I get it, it’s a kid’s movie made for kids, I’m an adult so what right do I have to call it rubbish when I’m simply not part of the demographic it’s aimed at? My answer is simple, because it’s objectively badly made which sounds arrogant, film is subjective is it not but come on, you’ve only got to look at the trailer to know how awful it is and I sat through the whole dam thing, I don’t hate it because it isn’t my cup of tea but because, as far as filmmaking goes, it’s just completely evil on every conceivable level, it’s ugly, it’s charmless, unfunny, boring as hell, painful, badly acted, embarrassing, intelligence insulting, careless, passionless and just plain effing stupid. I have tried to think but I seriously cannot come up with a single redeeming quality, not one, I tried, I thought hard, but there really is nothing worth noting about it except for how mind bendingly terrible it is.
As far as looks go, this thing is completely hideous, it looks like a crappy Disney channel exclusive film with non existent cinematography and bland lighting, the acting belongs in the same category, completely non existent and worthy only of Disney channel rubbish and the humor – what were they thinking?! Not one single joke worked, I never laughed, never chuckled, never grinned slightly, I never even acknowledged that what I was looking at could be funny if only I was in a better mood. There were some jokes aimed at the grown-ups, like a reference to the exorcist for example and normally I would be more forgiving because that means the film knows the kids aren’t going to watch this film by themselves so they may as well allow the parents to have fun as well, but here I can’t forgive because it still just wasn’t funny in the slightest with all its piss and shit jokes.
I hate this movie, it’s sloppy and doesn’t deserve even the tiniest microbe of consideration, I can’t believe I managed to watch it in it’s entirety, stay away, it’s not worth it, it’s an abomination and should be put down like a rabid dog. The more I think about it the angrier I get, there’s not even a proper narrative structure, the film itself doesn’t even know what it’s doing here like an unpopular school kid accidently wandering into the wrong classroom. The shitmunks throw a party and sing with their stupid squeaky voices, then fart joke, then they play mini golf, a kid harasses them, they find out their adoptive father is marrying that kid’s mother which means they’ll be step brothers so off they go onto the open road to stop that proposal from happening – just exhilarating right? Just teaming with imagination, well in the words of Kevin Spacey, “WRONG”!
It just makes up whatever it can so it can waste time and create the illusion of a proper narrative until it feels it’s done enough and can finally end, the worst instance of this being when they sing at a country bar because the original band can’t make it for whatever reason, but don’t worry, I’m sure the stupid squirrels will put on a show. This film is evil because it was made without any care or consideration except when it comes to taking money from children, money it does not deserve, don’t just skip it, actively avoid it, now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go see a doctor to cure me and a priest to exorcise me.
One of the worst “films” ever made.