Blog: All Things Film – The Human Centipede III (Final Sequence) Reviewed
Writer/director Tom Six was quoted as saying that this final installment of his chancer trilogy would make the second one look like a Disney movie. I think he may have been misquoted. The Human Centipede III IS a Disney movie. It’s possibly the funniest movie I’ve seen all year and wildly off its mark.
Consider, for example, the two leads. You have Germany’s third best Christopher Walken tribute act as the lead character Bill Boss; a prison chief in sun-drenched southern USA who is having a perma-life crisis. If you’re going to have your lead scream and shout and prolong every sentence, then at least ensure his dialogue is intelligible. Next up, poor old Laurence R Harvey playing his right-hand man (and the lead of part II) trying his best to conceal his natural midlands accent as he attempts a southern good-ol’ boy drawl. Lastly, there’s Bree Olsen – yeah, the porn star – looking presumably to break away in to the feature film market. She’s a leggy blonde clearly at home with succumbing to Tom Six’s demands to facilitate the salacious parts of this nightmare. And to make matters more puzzling, there’s no nudity in the film.
As an ensemble playing the chief, aide and secretary, and considering their physical appearances, one cannot ignore that these three form a more contemporary version of The Three Stooges or, possibly more 100% medically accurate, Laurel and Hardy. It’s hardly the basis for persuasive, political, disturbing gore/horror. It is certainly the basis for a wildly chaotic comedy featuring about two funny moments, which mostly come from the comedy doctor who’ll eventually sew up the five hundred-odd centipede ‘thing’ in the last act.
Yeah, the last act. Once we’ve got through all the shouting and boiling hot waterboarding and castration, the actual centipede is largely missing from the movie. We’re left with rudimentary character building; but because this is all in the hands of a writer and director who, at best, is trying to clone other clones of far superior – though no less arbitrary – horror tripe, we’re left with an absolute mess in every department.
Amazingly, the first movie is Citizen Kane when held up against this stupid-ass third installment. There are genuine moments of horror embedded in there; and Dieter Lasser as the mostly-silent bad guy works, and it works for its European flavour. What does Six hope to achieve by traipsing to the States for this law of diminishing returns, anyway? Six is in no way experienced nor talented enough to hold a mirror up to himself or to his own ‘cult’. He has a cameo has himself, and appears to be totally unable to take his own direction, by allowing the dastardly duo to replicate the centipede in question. If this is not self aggrandizing narcissism at its most yawn-worthy, then I don’t know what is.
Oh yeah, Vincent Gallo. Yes, good one (!).
Well, you probably know if you’re going to watch this or not – and my opinion is hardly likely to sway you one way or another. It’s not worth watching. In two day’s time I think I’ll remember precisely nothing. No stand out scenes.
I presume you’re watching it for the gore, or to see “how far Six can really go”. The answer is – not much. Give the BBFC a few more years on the line-towing gravy train and this film could be rating a “15”; it’s mega light on gore and all in the suggestion – possibly a cinematic white flag signifying that Six likes the newly-acquired money than his right to shock and appall.
Or, perhaps you’re going to watch it to see how bad it is. If that’s you, then I’m quite sure your expectations will be met by this toothless, gore-less, ball-less shy-away train wreck of self congratulatory warm piss.
Author: Andrew Mackay
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